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100 Funny Sayings, Quotes, and Phrases

Updated on May 11, 2016

Enjoy. I hope these may brighten up someone's day!

  1. It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

  2. "The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not." —Mark Twain

  3. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

  4. "One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." —George W. Bush

  5. Always remember: you're unique, just like everyone else.

  6. The road to success is always under construction.

  7. Where there is a "will," there are 500 relatives.

  8. Wear short sleeves. Support your right to bare arms!

  9. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

  10. Join The Army. Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.

  11. I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

  12. Death is hereditary.

  13. When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

  14. Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

  15. If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

  16. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

  17. I stopped fighting my inner demons, we're on the same side now.

  18. Well-behaved women rarely make history.

  19. I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

  20. He who laughs last, didn't get it.

  21. We live in an age where pizza gets to your home before the police.

  22. I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.

  23. Cheese . . . milk's leap toward immortality.

  24. You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax. Tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

  25. He's so optimistic he'd buy a burial suit with two pairs of pants.

  26. Half of the people in the world are below average.

  27. I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

  28. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

  29. It is not my fault that I never learned to accept responsibility!

  30. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "Y" becomes silent.

  31. Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.

  32. USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

  33. Constipated people don't give a crap.

  34. Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut save you 30 cents?

  35. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

  36. Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.

  37. A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it is the stupid ones who need all the advice.

  38. Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

  39. Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

  40. Ham and eggs—a day's work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a pig.

  41. I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.

  42. When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing.

  43. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

  44. If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead yet?

  45. I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

  46. If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

  47. You couldn't get a clue during the clue-mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.

  48. It is a damned poor mind indeed that can't think of at least two ways of spelling any word.

  49. In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on.

  50. Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.

  51. Horse sense is a good judgment which keeps horses from betting on people.

  52. I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

  53. Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, age don't matter.

  54. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

  55. Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon.

  56. The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

  57. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

  58. I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

  59. I get enough exercise pushing my luck.

  60. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

  61. I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather . . . not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

  62. We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

  63. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

  64. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

  65. I got a gun for my wife—best trade I’ve ever made.

  66. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

  67. To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.

  68. Beauty is a light switch away . . .

  69. The evening news is where they start by saying “good evening,” and proceed by telling you why it’s not.

  70. There are three kinds of people in this world: those who can count and those who can't.

  71. When life hands you lemons, make lemonade, find the person that life handed vodka to, and have a party.

  72. if Barbie is so popular then why do we buy her friends and boyfriends?

  73. God created the world, everything else is made in China.

  74. Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.

  75. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

  76. Practice doesn't make perfect. Perfect practice makes perfect.

  77. Those who throw dirt only lose ground.

  78. You never truly understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.

  79. Error. No keyboard. Press F1 to continue.

  80. Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.

  81. Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that people who have the most live the longest.

  82. hey occifer i swear to drunk im not as god as you think i am.

  83. This sentence is a lie.

  84. Men are like parking stalls. All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped!

  85. Change is good, but dollars are better.

  86. How is it that “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?

  87. 1492: Native Americans discover Columbus lost at sea.

  88. Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs harder.

  89. Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.

  90. Solution to two of the world’s problem: feed the homeless to the hungry.

  91. You laugh because I’m different, I laugh because I just farted!

  92. Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door!

  93. Silence is golden, but duck tape is silver.

  94. When life gives you melons . . . you might be dyslexic.

  95. There’s no 'I' in team, but there is in 'win.'

  96. Those who criticize our generation seem to forget who raised it!

  97. Man who goes to bed with an itchy butt . . . wakes up with a stinky finger!

  98. Children in the back seat cause accidents, accidents in the back seat cause children!

  99. The only good thing about going bra-less at my age is that it pulls the wrinkles right out of my face.

  100. How do you know when you are too drunk to drive? When you swerve to miss a tree . . . and then realize it was your air-freshener.

  • Also be sure to check out these 50 Life Quotes that I believe are the best around.

Comments

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    • profile image

      Hermina 4 months ago

      Super quotes...

    • profile image

      Manish Sinha 5 months ago

      Really a verbal treat

    • Merouane profile image

      MEROUANE ELHATIMY 6 months ago from Fes

      A good hub

    • profile image

      Annayak 10 months ago

      Thanks for the laughs

    • profile image

      Anisuvi 21 months ago

      It was stupid as vel as funny.

      It really made my day cool.

      And i lvd it.........

    • profile image

      shreya 2 years ago

      Thanxxxxxxxx a lot.... i really enjoyed it.

    • profile image

      Dennis the menace 2 years ago

      Quite an awsome hub you've got here...totally made my night

    • profile image

      Taylor 2 years ago

      That is awesome but stupid

    • profile image

      dragniss 2 years ago

      That's not to bad and not happy .

    • profile image

      steve 3 years ago

      MATH EXAM

      Bill has 29 candy bars, He eats 23 what does Bill have?

      Diabetes, Bill has Diabetes

    • profile image

      Anonymous 3 years ago

      Cool;)

    • profile image

      Anonymousman 3 years ago

      Absolutely hilarious made my day or should I say night

    • profile image

      john 4 years ago

      awful awful stuff

    • profile image

      icedmocha34 4 years ago

      so funny!!! I posted the link to your site on my blog!

    • profile image

      RoyB 4 years ago

      I am writing a Book about "Reverse Psychology" - but I hope people don't but it!

    • profile image

      Heidi Carter 4 years ago

      If I've said soneting to upset you, I'm sorry to you ! If what I said was true,you should be sorry too . . .

    • geraldhakks profile image

      geraldhakks 4 years ago

      Money won't buy you happiness, but the lack of money sure is miserable.

    • profile image

      Jason 4 years ago

      My only criticism is it is Duct tape not Duck :) I only learnt that recently

    • profile image

      Robert 4 years ago

      Never answered: Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets ?

    • profile image

      sarjay 4 years ago

      me too..

    • profile image

      sammycat123 4 years ago

      i love ur webzite i think its great i especialy like"ham and eggs- a days work for a chicken; a lifetime of commitment for a pig" so true lol. and to all u losers who dont like this page y would u even look up this stuff its all relativly the same. and thanks again fresh2def05 for a great read :D

    • profile image

      Frits 4 years ago

      Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana

    • fresh2def05 profile image
      Author

      fresh2def05 4 years ago from Louisville, Ky

      Neither one ;)

    • profile image

      Monish Chand 4 years ago

      Is this stupit or am i cool ??

    • fresh2def05 profile image
      Author

      fresh2def05 4 years ago from Louisville, Ky

      midget38,

      I'm very glad you enjoyed these funny sayings. Their will be more to come very soon. Stay tuned and be prepared to laugh.

    • midget38 profile image

      Michelle Liew 4 years ago from Singapore

      This list rocks. I love each quote, especially numbers 3 and 7. I was laughing away!! Thanks for making my evening!! Sharing!

    • shiningirisheyes profile image

      Shining Irish Eyes 4 years ago from Upstate, New York

      "You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough." Great selections and you have a twisted and wicked sense of humor. We are kindred souls.

      Helpful hint - Never mix sleeping pills with laxatives.

    • fresh2def05 profile image
      Author

      fresh2def05 5 years ago from Louisville, Ky

      Opie,

      Lol..that's very funny. Thanks for sharing!

    • profile image

      opie 5 years ago

      I observed a vehicle traveling at a high rate of speed and verified it using radar. I proceeded to make the traffic stop. When we came to a stop the driver says he was following the flow of traffic and that I should have pulled the other car over instead. I advised him that wasn’t possible because I couldn’t catch that person and that he made it so much easier for me because he had pulled over.

    • profile image

      shabab 5 years ago

      good

    • profile image

      ammm 5 years ago

      nice

    • fresh2def05 profile image
      Author

      fresh2def05 5 years ago from Louisville, Ky

      Terribear,

      Glad to hear you enjoyed these short funny quotes! I will be publishing more funny holiday sayings and picture sayings in the near future. Stay tuned!

    • profile image

      terribear 5 years ago

      very funny sayings I enjoyed them very well I laughed at a couple of them...aha...lol

    • fresh2def05 profile image
      Author

      fresh2def05 5 years ago from Louisville, Ky

      Thanks for the comment Lexilove. I didn't find your comment very funny but it did make me smile a bit so I guess that's what counts.

    • fresh2def05 profile image
      Author

      fresh2def05 5 years ago from Louisville, Ky

      Thx Bob. Glad you enjoyed.

    • profile image

      bob 5 years ago

      this is so funny

    • fresh2def05 profile image
      Author

      fresh2def05 5 years ago from Louisville, Ky

      Thanks suziecat7! Thanks alot!

    • suziecat7 profile image

      suziecat7 5 years ago from Asheville, NC

      Great list - enjoyed so many of them - thanks.

    • fresh2def05 profile image
      Author

      fresh2def05 5 years ago from Louisville, Ky

      Thanks Fiddleman! If you liked these funny quotes and sayings, you should check out my hub on funny inspirational quotes and sayings. I'm sure you'll like them as well. Thanks again.

    • Fiddleman profile image

      Robert Elias Ballard 5 years ago from Zirconia, North Carolina

      Great hub! thanks for sharing these, I liked all the quotes, funny, yes indeed, also a l;ot of wisdom and truth.

    • fresh2def05 profile image
      Author

      fresh2def05 5 years ago from Louisville, Ky

      Executivecatering,

      Yes that is one of my favorites as well. Thanks a million for reading. And thank everyone else who read this hub. Im glad you enjoyed.

    • profile image

      bnv 5 years ago

      funny dough!!

    • executivecatering profile image

      philip lee hewitson 5 years ago from Detroit, Michigan, USA

      Very funny hub "Constipated People Don't Give A crap." I need to use this in every day life at some point.

    • profile image

      peter 5 years ago

      wow nyc at most annoying times

    • fresh2def05 profile image
      Author

      fresh2def05 5 years ago from Louisville, Ky

      Hi. Thanks for reading and i am very glad to hear that you enjoyed my hubs. I dont think I have received your messages. Just in case, here is my email address. nsp1190@gmail.com. I am looking forward to your messages. Thanks again for your interest in my work.

    • profile image

      Ryguy87 5 years ago

      This page is great i have been trying to email you about this and some other pages you have written. not sure if you got any of them bu hope you did. please if you can email back on here ( check your messages) i would appreciate it thanks .

    • profile image

      fykon 5 years ago

      Verry verry funny... i like them

    • fresh2def05 profile image
      Author

      fresh2def05 5 years ago from Louisville, Ky

      very glad u enjoyed them. Thx for reading.

    • fresh2def05 profile image
      Author

      fresh2def05 5 years ago from Louisville, Ky

      For all those who enjoyed these quotes, well, that was the point of making this hub and I'm very glad you enjoyed them. For those of you who didn't enjoy them, all I can say is sorry, time to move on.

    • profile image

      jlittlestorm 5 years ago

      Shelia, if your going to admit your age, I suggest writing in a more age appropriate fashion. "Dis is da boring stuff I've ever read in my whole life ..." Come on Sista, you sound "special" the kind of "special" that likes to lick the windows. Your not 15 and competing with High School students. Presumebly, you're a grown woman, and this style of writing is not cute, not on you at least. Take it off and return it promptly....

    • profile image

      Yolanda 5 years ago

      U've just brighten up my dae

    • profile image

      Naomi beck yoooo 5 years ago

      Mate i only liked the bottom one? Bore begg

    • profile image

      Ak 5 years ago

      Yo nice guyz!

    • profile image

      jo 5 years ago

      Not funny

    • profile image

      Abby 5 years ago

      When life gives you lemons make orange juice, then leave the world wondering how you did it. x

    • profile image

      Katelyn 5 years ago

      How funny!

    • profile image

      jess 5 years ago

      Excellent fun to read x

    • profile image

      Pascal 5 years ago

      I have joy with dis

    • profile image

      Usman 5 years ago

      Its interestn

    • profile image

      Akuto 5 years ago

      Iove them there awesome yah!!!!:):):) :D

    • profile image

      Dar 5 years ago

      This brighten my day!!!!

    • profile image

      Jjhbhnhbh 5 years ago

      Those are crazy w

    • profile image

      amanyire darius exc 5 years ago

      really cul..

    • profile image

      icountthetimes 5 years ago

      Thanks for the laugh. Some of these are classic :).

    • cheerfulnuts profile image

      cheerfulnuts 6 years ago from Manila, Philippines

      fresh2def05, this is funny! I love it.:) Voted up.

    • fresh2def05 profile image
      Author

      fresh2def05 6 years ago from Louisville, Ky

      Pat,

      Thanks and glad they brightened up your day.

    • profile image

      Pat Sims 6 years ago

      Reading these Funny Sayings, Quotes and Phrases first thing in the morning made my day.