Zsusy Bee loves to gather with family and celebrate holidays.

I collected these Halloween jokes and one-liners for my granddaughters, but I thought I should share them for everyone to enjoy.

My granddaughters asked me if I could print these out for them to take to school for their Halloween party, so I made them into little booklets and sent the girls to school with one for each of their classmates. This gave me the idea to make more booklets to hand out to trick-or-treaters, too. You can do the same or just enjoy them with friends and family during your Halloween celebration.

Vampire Jokes

1. What are the days of the vampire week? Moon-day, Tooth-day, Veins-day, Thirst-day, and Fright-day.
2. What's a vampire's favorite fast food? A guy with very high blood pressure.
3. What is a vampire's favorite mode of transportation? A blood vessel.
4. Why are vampires stupid? Because they are all suckers.
5. Why are vampire jokes bad? Because they are a pain in the neck.
6. What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite.
7. What type of pet dog do vampires like the best? Bloodhounds.
8. What does a vampire never order at a restaurant? A stake sandwich.
9. Where does a vampire have lunch? At the casketeria.
10. What type of surgery does a vampire doctor perform? Fly-by-night operations.
11. Why did the dyslexic vampire starve to death? He couldn't find any doolb.
12. Did you hear about the unsuccessful vampire hunter? He tried to kill a vampire by driving a pork chop through its heart because steaks were too expensive.
13. Why do vampires need mouthwash? They have bat breath.
14. What is a vampire's favorite sport? Casketball.
15. What do you get when you cross a vampire and a werewolf? A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
16. What is a vampire's favorite holiday? Fangsgiving.
17. What is Transylvania? Vampire terror-tory.
18. Where does a vampire water-ski? On Lake Erie.
19. Why was the baby vampire scared to go to the bathroom? Because he was afraid of the light.
20. Where do vampires store their money? In a blood bank.
21. What does a vampire fear most? Tooth decay.
22. Where did the vampire open his savings account? At a blood bank.
23. Who did the vampire take to the prom? His ghoul-friend.
24. Why couldn't the vampire's wife get to sleep? Because of her husband's coffin.
25. What tree does the vampire love the best? A ceme-tree.

Skeleton Jokes

1. Why did the skeleton cross the road? To get to the body shop!
2. What do you say to a skeleton going on vacation? Bone voyage!
3. Which skeleton was a famous detective? Sherlock Bones.
4. What do you call a skeleton who won't work? Lazy bones.
5. What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument? A trombone.
6. Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he didn't have the guts!
7. What do you say to a skeleton before he eats? Bone appetit!
8. Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town? Because they don't have any body to go out with.
9. Why can't a skeleton have fingers more than 11 inches long? Because 12 inches is a foot.
10. Who won the skeleton beauty contest? No body.
11. Who was the most famous French skeleton? Napoleon Bone-apart.
12. What do you give a skeleton for Valentine's Day? Bone-Bones in a heart-shaped box.
13. What did the skeleton say while riding his Harley Davidson motorcycle? I was bone to be wild.
14. What did the skeleton say to the vampire? You suck.
15. What did the skeleton order at the restaurant? Spare-ribs.

Witch Jokes

1. How do witches keep their hair in place while flying? With scare spray.
2. Why do witches fly on brooms? Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy.
3. Why do witches fly on broomsticks? Because vacuum cleaners don't have long enough cords.
4. Why don't witches ride their brooms when they're angry? They're afraid of flying off the handle!
5. What do you call a witch who lives at the beach? A sand-witch.
6. What do people say to the parents of twin witches? Which witch is which?
7. How do you make a witch scratch? Take away the "w."
8. What was a witch's favorite subject in school? Spelling.
9. What do you call a witch's garage? The broom closet.
10. Which story do the little witches like to hear at bedtime? Ghoul Deluxe and the Three Scares.

Ghost Jokes

1. What did the ghost buy for his haunted house? Home moaners insurance.
2. What does the papa ghost say to his family when he's driving? Fasten your sheet-belts.
3. What is a ghost's favorite type of music? Haunting melodies.
4. What do ghosts eat for dinner? Spook-etti.
5. What do short-sighted ghosts wear? Spook-tacles.
6. What do you call a drunken ghost? A methylated spirit.
7. Who does a female ghost see on a Friday night? Her boo-friend.
8. What do you get when you cross a ghost with an owl? Something that scares people and doesn't give a hoot.
9. What did one ghost say to the other ghost? Do you believe in people?
10. What did one ghost ask another? Do humans exist?
11. What does a ghost eat for lunch? A boo-logna sandwich.
12. Why was the little ghost stupid? Because he climbed over walls.
13. What do ghosts serve for dessert? Ice scream.
14. What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost? Bam-boo.
15. What kinds of mistakes do ghosts make? Boo boos.
16. Who is the most famous ghost detective? Shelock Moans.
17. Why did the ghost go to the bar? For the boo-ze.
18. What do you call a ghost that gets too close to a bonfire? A toasty ghosty.
19. What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist.
20. Where does a ghost go on Saturday night? Anywhere he can boo-gie.
21. Where do ghosts live? In a far distant terror-tory.
22. What happened when the male ghost met the female ghost? It was love at first fright.
23. What's the first thing ghosts do when they get into a car? They boo-kle their seatbelts.
24. Where do baby ghosts go during the day? To the day-scare center.
25. What is a ghost's favorite mode of transportation? A scare-plane.
26. What did the Mommy ghost say to the baby ghost? Don't spook unless you're spooken to.
27. What do ghosts add to their morning cereal? Boo-berries.
28. Why do ghosts like tall buildings? Because they have a lot of scare-cases.
29. Why did the ghost go the doctor? To get his boo-ster shot.
30. When does a ghost need a license? During haunting season.

Mummy Jokes

1. What is a Mummy's favorite type of music? Wrap!
2. Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends? They're too wrapped up in themselves.
3. Why do mummies make excellent spies? They're good at keeping things under wraps.
4. Why did the mummy call the doctor? Because he was coffin.
5. Where do mummies go for a swim? The Dead Sea.
6. What do you call a friendly dead pharaoh? A chummy mummy.

Monster Jokes

1. Who goes to the monsters' PTA? Mummies and deadies.
2. What do you do when 20 monsters surround your house? Hope it's Halloween!
3. What kind of streets do monsters like the best? Dead ends and skull-de-sacs.
4. Do monsters eat popcorn with their fingers? No, they eat the fingers separately.
5. Why did the monster eat a light bulb? Because he was in need of a light snack.
6. Why are most monsters covered in wrinkles? Have you ever tried to iron a monster?
7. How do monsters know their future? They read their horror-scopes.
8. What kind of monster is safe to put in the washing machine? A wash-and-wear wolf.
9. What's a monsters favorite play? Romeo and Ghouliet.
10. What monster flies his kite in a rainstorm? Benjamin Frankenstein.

More (Candy) Corny Halloween Jokes

1. What happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist? He was repossessed.
2. What do Italians eat on Halloween? Fetuccini-afraid-o.
3. What do you call a haunted chicken? A poultry-geist.
4. What game do little cannibals like to play at parties? Swallow the leader.
5. What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes? A cereal killer.
6. Why are demons and ghouls always together? Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.

*Thanks to B.T. and GwendyMom for the additions.

Comments

someone on October 13, 2014:

i never heard most these in my life

Zsuzsy Bee (author) from Ontario/Canada on March 17, 2012:

Glad you came for a visit Hannah. These are silly aren't they... My granddaughters and I often re-read these and still giggle at quite a few of them (and groan at others)

Thanks for reading and commenting

regards Zsuzsy

Hannah on March 17, 2012:

I never heard any of these jokes before maybe 1 or 2 but they were hilarious

Zsuzsy Bee (author) from Ontario/Canada on June 20, 2011:

Hiya Oliversmum, how are you? I put this hub together for my granddaughters and they still giggle even though they have read it many times over.

hope life is on an even keel

greetings

kindest regards

Zsuzsy Bee

oliversmum from australia on June 19, 2011:

Zsuzsy Bee. Hi. Wow every one of these one liners are absolutely wonderful.

My grandchildren are going to be delighted when I print them off for them to read.

I must admit, most of them were new to me.

My day finished with a huge smile, cant get better than that

Thank you so much for sharing them with us.Voted up. :) :)

Zsuzsy Bee (author) from Ontario/Canada on November 11, 2010:

Bizziebee thanks for taking a look and for commenting. I absolutely love one liners and even though these are classics I still giggle over them along with my granddaughters.

regards Zsuzsy

Bizziebee from La La land, California on November 11, 2010:

My little brother loved this!!! What a fun hub :)

Zsuzsy Bee (author) from Ontario/Canada on October 11, 2010:

Time4Travel, aren't these just totally great? I love these silly one liners. I've collected these for my granddaughters and they keep giggling over these for hours still. Thanks for taking a look and for commenting.

regards Zsuzsy

Time4Travel from Canada on October 10, 2010:

Great one liners! These will be great to share in the classroom for Halloween.

Zsuzsy Bee (author) from Ontario/Canada on October 13, 2009:

Shel thanks for taking a look and for commenting.

regards Zsuzsy

shel604 on October 13, 2009:

My favorite:

Q: Why shouldn't you play poker in the jungle?

A: There's too many cheetahs out there!

Zsuzsy Bee (author) from Ontario/Canada on September 30, 2009:

I never remember, so these always seem new to me and I can snicker for hour on some of them. My granddaughters seem to know them by heart.

hope you're well

kindest regards Zsuzsy

Barbara from Stepping past clutter on September 30, 2009:

Oh My Gosh there are as many responses as jokes!!! I love this too! I need to print it off for my nieces and nephews- or memorize a few. Maybe I'd better stick with printing it off, lol. Good one.

Zsuzsy Bee (author) from Ontario/Canada on August 15, 2009:

Haunty, so glad you came for a visit. Thanks for commenting.

I just love these silly one-liners. I have collections of them for every occasion and holiday. My granddaughters and I have regular giggle fests with these.They're so clean and kind of harmless in a world that filled with smut and gore etc...

greetings to you from hot and stuffy Canada

Haunty from Hungary on August 15, 2009:

Oh, this is soooo amusing. LoL What do goblins send home while on vacation?

Ghostcards.

Zsuzsy Bee (author) from Ontario/Canada on October 28, 2008:

SweetiePie! I absolutely love one liners and I think I got my & year old Granddaughter hooked on them too because she keeps calling with new gigglers almost daily.

regards Zsuzsy

SweetiePie from Southern California, USA on October 28, 2008:

I still enjoy reading this one, especially before Halloween.

Zsuzsy Bee (author) from Ontario/Canada on October 28, 2008:

MyTube! Thanks for coming by and for commenting

regards Zsuzsy

Zsuzsy Bee (author) from Ontario/Canada on October 28, 2008:

Gary! I still get a chuckle out of these ones even though most are as old as the hills. Thanks for coming by

regards Zsuzsy

Zsuzsy Bee (author) from Ontario/Canada on October 28, 2008:

Liz thank you for taking a look and for commenting.

regards Zsuzsy

S.M. Tanvir Farhad from Dhaka, Bangladesh on October 23, 2008:

Wonderful topic!!

garywgoldstein from Los Angeles, CA on October 22, 2008:

I like the Q&A, it makes me smile for a while.

LizTaylor from North Carolina on October 22, 2008:

Very cute...

Zsuzsy Bee (author) from Ontario/Canada on October 21, 2008:

Starscream14! Thanks for taking a look and for commenting. I just love your avatar. I have the whole series of that little tyke. He's just so adorable.

regards Zsuzsy

Starscream14 on October 21, 2008:

I love Halloween... To sad for me that in my country Halloween isn't celebrate as it should be, just some parties here and there... Anyway, it's an excellent hub. Now I have jokes to tell my friends !

Zsuzsy Bee (author) from Ontario/Canada on October 21, 2008:

Gwendy I added a new capsule and put #102 into it. Thanks again. I just love these silly one liner.

zs

gwendymom from Oklahoma on October 21, 2008:

Glad you like it Zsuzsy! I will probably have a few more for you, just bought a bag of candy that has these on the wrappers.

Zsuzsy Bee (author) from Ontario/Canada on October 21, 2008:

Gwendy! Thanks that great I will be calling my granddaughter tonight after school I will be able to give her this new one. Awesomely awesome.

Take care regards Zsuzsy

gwendymom from Oklahoma on October 21, 2008:

Zsuzsy, I just came across a cute one liner and had to share with you.

Why are demons and ghouls always together?

Because demons are a ghouls best friend. 

Hope you liked it.

Zsuzsy Bee (author) from Ontario/Canada on October 16, 2008:

Thanks for taking a look CGull. regards Zsuzsy

cgull8m from North Carolina on October 16, 2008:

Hilarious Hub, just in time for Halloween. Cheers.

Michelle Simtoco from Cebu, Philippines on October 14, 2008:

Hi Zsuzsy, I am fine. :) Going monstrously 'crazy' in school nowadays with the To Do List growing longer. LOL Hope all is well with you too!

Zsuzsy Bee (author) from Ontario/Canada on October 10, 2008:

SweetiePie! I wonder if the hair becomes scary after it's been sprayed or if it start out that way hehe

regards Zsuzsy

SweetiePie from Southern California, USA on October 09, 2008:

I could use some scare spray on bad hair days! Thanks for the fun hub.

Zsuzsy Bee (author) from Ontario/Canada on October 06, 2008:

Mr.Marmalade! How are you? Hope everything is okay with you and Val... So glad you stopped in. If you were able to get a couple of chuckles out of these then it was worth it.

Kindest regards and greetings from Canada

Zsuzsy

MrMarmalade from Sydney on October 06, 2008:

Have never heard of 80% of them. I guess I must have missed out in life.

Zsuzsy Bee (author) from Ontario/Canada on October 05, 2008:

Sally! You're right of course but I just think the things that the kids are involved with in their lives right now are more important and I really do not want to pile tedious thing into their lives right now.

I got a good start done with these Halloween ones maybe I make up a series of hubs for evey season. If I have reason then things usually get done.

talk to you soon zs

Zsuzsy Bee (author) from Ontario/Canada on October 05, 2008:

Michelle! How are you my dear? ..... Veinsday, thirstday.... isn't that one just a hoot? I've had these hanging around for years and I still get a chuckle out of them

So glad you came for a visit

regards Zsuzsy

Zsuzsy Bee (author) from Ontario/Canada on October 05, 2008:

Marisue! I didn't grow up with Halloween so I'm sitting on the fence with this one a bit... however I just can't get enough of these silly one liners in every context possible... I love them

Thanks for coming over regards Zsuzsy

Sherri from Southeastern Pennsylvania on October 04, 2008:

We don't really know unless we ask. We might think we know what they are thinking, but are we right?

Always yours, S.

Michelle Simtoco from Cebu, Philippines on October 04, 2008:

Zsuzsy Hello! Wow this is a marvelous collection of one liners! Hahahha I can just imagine teaching the kids the following days of the week. Okay class, "Moonday, Toothday, Veinsday, Thirstday and Frightday..." LOL Love it!

marisuewrites from USA on October 04, 2008:

very cute and good to read....we were young and all into Halloween and the pretense of goblins. Never occurred to me to worry about real ones. LOL I loved dressing up and pretending to be a dancer, or famous star, or a spooky alien. No harm, lots of candy and fun...great "corny" jokes...as in candy corn!

Zsuzsy Bee (author) from Ontario/Canada on October 04, 2008:

Sally that is a great idea but unfortunately right now they're all too busy, my youngest is in her second year of college and working part time, my middle daughter has two little girls an enormeous house and is taking a photography course on the side and my son has a job where he spends anywhere from 65-70 hours a week in the stores (it seems they're all chips off the old block, working more then is good for them) eventually it will get done...

talk to you soon zs

Sherri from Southeastern Pennsylvania on October 04, 2008:

I have an idea for you, ZB...if one of your kids would like to give you a special gift for your birthday or Christmas, ask them to go through your notebooks and put the meat of your collections into digital format (unless there's personal stuff you don't want them to see). 

Just a thought. 

I'm looking for ideas about my own birthday coming up (because my daughter always asks me, what do you want for your birthday?), and how my daughter might give me the gift of digitizing my hand-written thoughts.

Zsuzsy Bee (author) from Ontario/Canada on October 04, 2008:

Sally! I always had in mind to put these one liners together into a book. I have 7.5 note books filled with them... Do you want to know why I haven't done anything with them yet? Time and the thought of having to type them all out yuk. This silly hub took me at least 10 hours because in my note books they're all mixed up. Then some are also duplicates... One of these days when I'm bored I might just go through them all and reorganize them

I agree with you on the Gene Autry too... regards Zsuzsy

Zsuzsy Bee (author) from Ontario/Canada on October 04, 2008:

Christoph! My sidekicks and I have a PJ party all ready and set. Usually I write them a story or two but coming close to Halloween I thought these would be a lot more fun for them.

Thanks for the addition; Red 'Skeleton' was a lot of fun... need to find some of his old stuff...

Thanks for coming by and for commenting. regards Zsuzsy 

Sherri from Southeastern Pennsylvania on October 04, 2008:

Not only are these one-liners great, but the process by which you put them together is, too, Szuzsy. I wonder how many writers have *collections* they make because they love a subject, and then use those collections in a writing project.

Thumbs us, as usual, and as always!

@Christoph, if you don't mind, I'm waiting for you to have an opportunity to pun on Gene Autry...can't wait!

Christoph Reilly from St. Louis on October 04, 2008:

Why, thanks, Patty! I made it up special just for Zsuzsy.

Patty Inglish MS from USA and Asgardia, the First Space Nation on October 04, 2008:

That's funny too! :)

Christoph Reilly from St. Louis on October 04, 2008:

Zsuzsy bee: These are so cute! Your granddaughters will be as funny as "Red Skeleton" come Halloween!

Zsuzsy Bee (author) from Ontario/Canada on October 04, 2008:

Thanks Pricessa! glad you had a chuckle.

regards Zsuzsy

Wendy Iturrizaga from France on October 04, 2008:

very funny. I had a good laugh, thanks.

Zsuzsy Bee (author) from Ontario/Canada on October 04, 2008:

Donna! That's what I was hoping for. If everyone just gets a couple of chuckles out of these then it was worth hubbing them.

Glad you came by regards Zsuzsy

Donna Campbell Smith from Central North Carolina on October 04, 2008:

LOL, those are wonderfully silly! I am going to pass this hub on to some kids I know.

Zsuzsy Bee (author) from Ontario/Canada on October 04, 2008:

NYLady! Thanks for coming by. I collect one liners... have for many many years. Most of these are as old as the hills. Whenever I hear a good one I just add it to my list. Some of these actually amused my kids when they were young. The Chummy Mummy is one on my fave's too. My nephew came home with that one last halloween.

regards Zsuzsy

Zsuzsy Bee (author) from Ontario/Canada on October 04, 2008:

B.T. Skull-de-sac is just perfect. I'll add it into #89. thanks

greetings from across the border

regards Zsuzsy

Zsuzsy Bee (author) from Ontario/Canada on October 04, 2008:

Patty! I'm planning on printing these out for my sidekicks (granddaughters) for next weekend our Thanksgiving (Canada). Our sleep over is going to be a lot of giggling I'm sure.

Always glad when you have a mo' to visit. Take care Zsuzsy

NYLady from White Plains, NY on October 04, 2008:

How did you come up with all of those? Fantastic!! You're a chummy mummy!

B.T. Evilpants from Hell, MI on October 04, 2008:

Regarding #89, I prefer a skull-de sac! Funny hub!

Patty Inglish MS from USA and Asgardia, the First Space Nation on October 04, 2008:

Hilarious - I never heard most of these before!