Dreading Mother's Day? 5 Reasons It Needs to Be Gone for Good

Updated on June 10, 2019
Deb Vesco Roberts profile image

Motherhood was fun and often tough, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I can find humor in my hot, chaotic, mothering mess!

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I guarantee that on this day, a mother you know is faking a smile, hiding her tears, or torturing herself reading hundreds of sappy callouts on social media about wonderful mothers. She has dreaded this day every year. Let's not forget her or any other amazing women who have taught and guided us; especially when our own mothers couldn't.

1. Mother's Day Was Never Meant to Be Commercialized

Before I dive into the grit of this topic, I'd like to share the origin of Mother's Day, as cited by Wikipedia and explain my motive for writing this piece.

So many people, myself included, have never taken the time to learn why such a day exists in the first place. We follow the masses and fall prey to societal traditions without even knowing why we do it. My goal in life is to remove the stress and pressure put on us a culture, so I will challenge even the simplest of topics, such as this one.

"The modern holiday of Mother's Day was first celebrated in 1908, when Anna Jarvis held a memorial for her mother at St. Andrew's Methodist Church in Grafton, West Virginia. St. Andrew's Methodist Church now holds the International Mother's Day Shrine. Her campaign to make Mother's Day a recognized holiday in the United States began in 1905, the year her mother, Ann Reeves Jarvis, died. Ann Jarvis had been a peace activist who cared for wounded soldiers on both sides of the American Civil War, and created Mother's Day Work Clubs to address public health issues. Anna Jarvis wanted to honor her mother by continuing the work she started and to set aside a day to honor all mothers because she believed a mother is "the person who has done more for you than anyone in the world".

In 1908, the U.S. Congress rejected a proposal to make Mother's Day an official holiday, joking that they would also have to proclaim a "Mother-in-law's Day". However, owing to the efforts of Anna Jarvis, by 1911 all U.S. states observed the holiday, with some of them officially recognizing Mother's Day as a local holiday (the first being West Virginia, Jarvis' home state, in 1910). In 1914, Woodrow Wilson signed a proclamation designating Mother's Day, held on the second Sunday in May, as a national holiday to honor mothers.

Although Jarvis was successful in founding Mother's Day, she became resentful of the commercialization of the holiday. By the early 1920s, Hallmark Cards and other companies had started selling Mother's Day cards. Jarvis believed that the companies had misinterpreted and exploited the idea of Mother's Day, and that the emphasis of the holiday was on sentiment, not profit. As a result, she organized boycotts of Mother's Day, and threatened to issue lawsuits against the companies involved. Jarvis argued that people should appreciate and honor their mothers through handwritten letters expressing their love and gratitude, instead of buying gifts and pre-made cards. Jarvis protested at a candy makers' convention in Philadelphia in 1923, and at a meeting of American War Mothers in 1925. By this time, carnations had become associated with Mother's Day, and the selling of carnations by the American War Mothers to raise money angered Jarvis, who was arrested for disturbing the peace".

2. Mother's Day Is Often Stressful

While birthdays and Christmas rank high on the list of forced indulgences, there is something even more irritating about Mother’s Day. It’s the fact that this one day is supposed to make up for all the other days that were not-so-great.

I've never been a fan of Mother's Day but didn't give it the introspective thought I do now. I did my best to enjoy it when my kids were little because it was adorable watching them fight over cleaning toilets and who picked out the prettiest flowers for me. I didn't mind it so much then, because I was distracted by my four little job bombs, who loved on me with sweet innocence and genuine good intentions. This meant I didn't have to think too hard about not having those same fuzzy feelings of grandeur towards my own mother, which is another story.

As a child, my father, a loving and protective man, insisted that my sister and I be on our best behavior that day. Mom and I were always at odds (I was high energy, had a voice, and asked questions). I was instructed to not talk back, fight with my sister, to clean the house, and sit quietly during church. If I messed up, there would be hell to pay. It was always a day of tension and expectations and I hated it.

Year after painful year, many of us who can relate to what I've shared thus far, go through the same feelings and emotions. Sometimes, we have other things we'd rather be doing on that second Sunday in May. It forces us to plan something with our mothers that we should randomly be doing in the first place, because we WANT to, not because we HAVE to. For some mothers, it might be the only day for months to see or talk to their kids. That simply isn't right in my book. I’m not saying it’s not wonderful to see my kid's faces or hear their voices on Mother's Day, but I want to see and hear from them any day, more days in fact, because they miss and want to spend time with me, not because the calendar says they should.

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3. We Neglect Our Mothers Most Days

I could not wait to have babies. I also love helping women to become mothers as a delivery nurse. I love the tiny, special bits that come with being a mother; baby snuggles, that short period of total dependence, kissing boo-boos, being a mom taxi, comforting their failures, and watching them excel. Unconditionally loving moms want nothing in return, other than to have a strong bond with their kids and to be remembered from time to time. We want them to ask about our day or our lives now and then and for it not always to be about them. These are the little things that children, young and old, should remember to do for their mothers. We tend to forget the unconditional love and special things they did for us and how we could be thanking them simply by being present and genuinely interested in their lives.

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4. Many Women Will Never Be a Mother or They've Lost Their Mother

Mother’s Day leaves a bitter taste and reminder of what is no more or never was. There are many special women who were never able to be mothers but longed to be. How does this day make these women feel about the baby they never held, the children they may have abandoned, the ones they aborted, or the child that was lost too soon?

What about the children whose mothers have passed, some too soon, some just recently? What about the mother who can’t love back, never be pleased, or is estranged from their children? There are no cards, flowers, gifts, or even words to honor or console these mothers on this day.

5. Mother's Day Fans the Fires of Expectation

It's the second Sunday in May, and so it begins. As moms of youngsters, we lay in bed extra long because we are probably getting breakfast in bed (admit it; you want it and it's pretty damned adorable). If our kids didn't do it, we might want our spouse to do it for us. Wrong! You are not his mother, so stop right there. It's not his job to ogle over you today...he probably has his own mother and obligation and guilt to contend with!

Next, we anticipate a full-on house-scrubbing, top to bottom because you "deserve" one day out of the year to not have to ask a thousand times for them to empty the dishwasher or take out the garbage. After all, it is Mother's Day; a day of obligation for every child, young and old.

Next, we hope to walk into a kitchen full of flowers and home-made cards. But what if none of these typical Mother's Day things happen? Automatically, your day is ruined and no one loves you. You no longer feel special and then... OMG! You forgot about your own mother, who is sitting at home wondering where her card, phone call, brunch, and flowers are! You forgot to do a single thing for her! Now you've come full circle, you look at your kids, hug them, and go about your day as if it's any other...because it is!

No one twisted our arms to be a mom and we didn't earn a Ph.D. in motherhood. If you boil it down to basic science, it's what women are biologically programmed to do; to reproduce. So why do we need a set "day" to over-indulge and put undue pressure on ourselves and those we love?

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Heartfelt Gifts You Can Give Your Mother Any Day

As a mother, and a sentimental one at that, I often think about the day-to-day things that I could be doing for others to show them I care. They say "life is full of surprises", so why don't we create more of the good surprises, especially for our mothers? Even if you don't have a living or present mother, think of the special women who have influenced you in some way and do something nice for them. These are just some suggestions that any one of us could do for our mother, or a mother-figure, on any random day.

1. Study and learn about your family tree. Most kids do not appreciate where they came from until later in life. I study my ancestry faithfully now and it would have been so fun to share all I have learned with my parents. Why not buy her a subscription to Ancestry.com and work on it together?

2. Write her a special letter thanking her for all she has done and what she has taught you--be specific and point out the special moments and how they shaped you into who you are today. Moms are usually told many ways to Sunday how they have failed, but rarely how wonderful they are.

3. If she rarely does anything for herself, treat her to a spa day of pampering or buy her a wine club membership; something that she likely wouldn't spend money on for herself. I personally love the Spafinder Wellness Gift card that is accepted at thousands of spas nationwide.

4. Make her a personalized gift. One of my most treasured gifts is a set of wood flatware hand-carved by my son and engraved with my maiden name.

5. Make her a scrapbook showcasing your favorite memories of her--or-- make it about her life and the things she has accomplished. You may need to solicit help from her spouse, yours and her siblings, her friends, or other family members to compile this keepsake, and you might even be surprised what you didn't know that other people can share with you about her!

6. Give her a basket of YOUR favorite things! Let her get to know what she may not know about you, now that you are off on your own. Include your favorite products such as foods, snacks, wine, coffee, perfume, toiletries...anything you personally love or enjoy. It will help her feel close to you knowing what makes you happy day to day.

These are just a handful of examples of how you can knock her socks off when she least expects it. If you want to make your mom feel extra special and loved, trust me on this advice. It will mean more to her than any obligatory gesture on a compulsory day.

Questions & Answers

    © 2019 Debra Roberts

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      • profile image

        Lyosha 

        2 months ago

        You thoughts are so true. But it does feel like if something could become commercial it will become commercial thing, there is nothing sacred for sellers.

      • profile image

        Subhashish Roy 

        2 months ago

        I completely agree with your thoughts. These special days are being commercialised by card and gift companies to meet their end. And we are slowly falling into the trap.

      • profile image

        Kay 

        2 months ago

        The background of mothers day is interesting. I do enjoy mothers day but its not about the extravagance of gifts etc for me, which I agree has gone too far. I love the time spent together with family and it's a time when I can focus my energy on showing appreciation to my own Mum.

      • profile image

        Live Learn Better 

        2 months ago

        Mother's Day is a day that should be solemnly celebrated to appreciate those wonderful beings.

        No matter what you buy or not buy, as long as the person involved knows fully well that she's highly valued and appreciated, that's all that mattered.

      • profile image

        Mayuri Patel 

        2 months ago

        I as such have begun to hate Mother's Day for two reasons, one is that I cannot wish my mum as she died a few years ago and I miss so much and when my kids forgot to wish me, I go through emotions of being unloved, neglected etc etc. Its no different from other days so why get all emotional.Now Mother's Day can come and go and I don't make a big issue about it.

      • profile image

        Sonia Seivwright 

        2 months ago

        Mother's Day is truly a special day. I love this post.

      • profile image

        Ashley from One Journey Away 

        2 months ago

        I like the original idea behind Mother's Day, and unfortunately, with many other holidays, like Valentine's Day and even Christmas, it's become so commercialised that we've lost sight of its original purpose. I imagine it would be really difficult for those that have lost their mothers or want to be a mother but can't, or have lost a child themselves.

      • profile image

        The Sunny Side Lifestyle Co. 

        2 months ago

        I definitely agree that special moments with your children and mother should happen more often than on Mother's Day, however, I do enjoy Mother's Day. As the 'planner' in our family, I really appreciate that when we celebrate Mother's Day (typically on a different day in May) my husband and children plan the celebration. Instead of gifts and duties, we enjoy the day spending time together.

      • profile image

        Scott DeNicola 

        2 months ago

        Mothers Day has a similar feel to Valentines Day to me. Some people are depressed because of the day either due to loss or being alone. I agree that it has become commercialized just like every other holiday. Also like Valentine's day why not celebrate your love or your Mom every day of the year, not just one day. It does happen to fall on my birthday this year so you can celebrate that instead. :)

      • profile image

        Tracy @ Cleland Clan 

        2 months ago

        Mother's Day has always been very low-key in our home. Out of five kids, my step-daughter is the only one who ever gives me a card--usually she'll show up with a card and a potted plant. I get my mom a hanging basket for her porch, but it's never much. IWe tend to do things for each other throughout the year. I really think the dad sets the tone for mother's day--if he never made a production out of it, then it's not an extreme celebration.

      • Deb Vesco Roberts profile imageAUTHOR

        Debra Roberts 

        2 months ago from Ohio

        I'm glad I'm not the only one to see through this facade. It creates unnecessary chaos!

      • profile image

        Charmaine Daisley 

        2 months ago

        Yup, Mother's Day is rather depressing. It's like all the stress and overwork and bad-behaved kids, and warring adult children must be forgotten by mothers, who have to smile at will for the entire day! And now, there's an annual 'argument' on facebook where women get angry when other women wish single fathers (who are primary care givers for their children), 'happy mother's day'. I just wish I could skip the whole thing!

      • profile image

        Trish Veltman 

        2 months ago

        I had no idea about the origins of Mother's Day - it has such a fascinating background! Your comments on the commercial Mother's Day we know are thought-provoking. I remember my daughter being very cross when she was 5 and at school for the first time, and her teacher announced to the class they had to draw lovely pictures for mother's day, to show their mummy's how special they are. She thought they should be drawing pictures to show their mummy's how special they were every day, not just on one day!

      • profile image

        Rachael Marini 

        2 months ago

        For me Mothers Day has always been special and fun rather than stressful. However, you’ve laid out good points. I think doing away with the day is extreme and don’t agree with that measure. I do agree with ending the commercialization and also being sensitive to those who are experience fertility issues (or are childless not by choice) or have lost a mother.

      • Deb Vesco Roberts profile imageAUTHOR

        Debra Roberts 

        2 months ago from Ohio

        Thank you for such a personal response and for sharing your personal story. I'm sorry your lost your mom and your sister, her precious child. I lost my mom too... Except she is very much alive and well... She just chose to stop being part of my life because I got divorced and she doesn't agree with that decision. Life is hard and these commercial holidays make it even harder indeed. Hugs to you and your sister❤️

      • profile image

        Despite Pain 

        2 months ago

        I didn't know about Anna Jarvis, so thank you for that little piece of history. I'm in the UK and Mother's Day here was in March. Wonder why it's on a different date.

        But back to your post. Yes, it is so commercialised. It's all about making money. Anna's idea was right, a simple letter to show love and appreciation can mean so much more than expensive cards and flowers.

        I'm not a mother, and if I'm honest, there was a time when the day was tinged with sadness. Now it's always tinged with sadness, because I no longer have my Mum. I also think about my sister whose daughter died a few years ago. So yes, it's not a day filled with happiness for everyone.

        I'm not wishing for happiness to be taken away from other people, but sometimes it's a bit in your face, isn't it.

        Thanks for this post (and sorry for such a long comment)

      • profile image

        Nina N 

        3 months ago

        I love how you challenge this celebration by very detailed insights about your different reasons. Oftentimes, we fall into the trap of simply following what the masses are doing. It's the norm so we do it as well without really internalizing the meaning of the celebration. Everything is becoming commercialized. Great post!

      • profile image

        Erica (The Prepping Wife) 

        3 months ago

        I’ve always thought most holidays like this were both commercialized and a forced celebration. Like Valentine’s Day. I don’t need a commercialized holiday to buy my husband a gift or him to take me out to dinner. Same goes for mother’s and Father’s Day, and a host of others. It’s ridiculous, in my opinion. Thankfully I’ve always ignored them.

      • profile image

        Thuy 

        3 months ago

        This reminds me of why a lot of people disagree with Valentine’s Day too. Yes, everyday mother’s should be celebrated and it has gotten very commercialized, but like any holiday you can either choose to celebrate it in your own way or not.

      • profile image

        Kari Chairez 

        3 months ago

        At first when I saw this, I was like, "No...don't get rid of Mother's Day!" But then I remember how terrible I feel every year as a married 30-something woman without a child. Then it reminds me of all the women in similar situations or those that have lost mothers and the fact that maybe we should just do better at celebrating them all the time. Now I agree. :)

      • profile image

        Lene Andersen 

        4 months ago

        My mother has always hated Mother’s Day. To the point that she gets mad if we get her anything, so that’s been a day off for everyone in my family for decades. :) She’s always said that she’d love if we get her a little gift or do something nice for her on any other the year, but dammit, not because the advertising industry tells us to.

      • profile image

        Live Learn better 

        4 months ago

        These are thoughtful and honest write up about Mother's Day. The part of some women never going to be mothers got me thinking and thankful.

        The gift ideas are super awesome!

      • profile image

        Rachele Hollingsworth 

        4 months ago

        While I love every holiday and am a sicko that kind of enjoys the stress of preparing for family gatherings, I DO agree with a lot of this. Like Valentine’s Day and any other commercialized holiday, it is kind of silly to force affection and appreciation when you should be showing it all of the time. But I will always treasure every cheesy handprint craft my kids give me, whatever the holiday may be!

      • profile image

        Blair villanueva 

        4 months ago

        I dont find it stressful at all, probably because we dont celebrate it at home. What makes it stressful for me is when i surprise my Mom during no occasion days. That is more fun and sweet.

        Though Mother's Day is also nice!

      • profile image

        Ashlee 

        4 months ago

        I won't lie, Mother's Day is one of those times of the year that stresses me all the way out, and I love the idea of showing and expressing how you feel about someone when you feel it, not solely on one day. It was wonderful hearing about the history of the Day, a tale that gets lost in the louder, commercial voices and it's so heartbreaking that after so much work it turned out to be a day that has lost most of its sentiment. Hopefully we can start with putting the right sentiment behind this Day again so that it's original meaning lives on.

      • profile image

        Tracy@ Cleland Clan 

        4 months ago

        You have several valid points in this post. Many of our local churches have done away with Mother-Daughter banquets because of these reasons, choosing to call them Daughter Banquets instead since every woman is a daughter. Our family has never made a lot of fuss over Mother’s Day, so doing away with it would not bother me.

      • profile image

        Snehal 

        4 months ago

        I completely agree! On most of the days... mothers are ignored. Mothers needs to be reminded how precious they are. Every, single, day!

      • profile image

        clio 

        4 months ago

        I agree with all of it. I'm not against any holiday, in general, but I do think that we should remind ourselves of our loved ones any day, and not either feel forced nor force anyone to do things for us.

      • RTalloni profile image

        RTalloni 

        4 months ago from the short journey

        A brave post... :) ...with lots of food for thought.

      • Eurofile profile image

        Liz Westwood 

        4 months ago from UK

        This gives a more balanced view of Mother's Day looking at it from many different angles.

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