6 Gifts I DO NOT Want for Christmas
I Start Off
By telling you what this article is about. Not that I even think that you do not understand, it's just that there is always one in any given crowd that doesn't understand the topic of choice. And now with that being said, let me add to my previous statement, "I love Christmas, from the crisp weather to the aroma of fir and sights of Holly and decorated Christmas trees." If you want to see me happy, visit me during the ten or so days of the Christmas season.
But if you want to see me sad, just watch me open a gift from someone I lovingly call a "Bad Gifter." This is not to be confused with Elaine Bennis on Seinfield talking to Jerry about someone being a "Re-Gifter." A "Bad Gifter" is in a category all of their own. Seriously, I am not jabbing at "Bad Gifters," I am just making a stand against being given a gift that one, I do not want, and two, I didn't ask for before Christmas began.
The Name of This Piece Is:
A Very Merry Christmas to You, My Cherished Followers!
(And no "Bad Gifter" needs noted German space engineer and architect Werner von Braun (above photo) to understand my headline or my text.)
6.) Tube Socks: Let's be realistic here. I am a 63-year-old guy with a wife and three amazing grandchildren and retired to a life of building birdhouses, reading, and relaxing with a cup of coffee so what on God's green earth would I do with tube socks? I barely wear common socks the way it is. I have no problem with people who can make cute animals from tube socks such as: monkeys, gorillas, and maybe a turtle, I don't know. But I beg of you, no tube socks for my Christmas gift.
5.) Antique Toys, Machines: (See photo to right) I am talking about a wheelbarrow made of seasoned rare wood that is not found anymore anywhere. This wheelbarrow was hand-made by a personal friend of James Smith who helped found Jamestown. It even has a cast iron wheel, but when I am given something like this, I am sternly advised, "this is not for you to use," says the "Bad Gifter," who thinks that I am impressed with his gift. I'm not. If I am given a device with a wheel that (in my limited wisdom) I know is put on the device for rolling it around, I will do just that. Just a mild memo to the "Bad Gifters" who just might be reading this article.
4.) Chopping Axe, Saw: When I tear the pretty wrapping paper from this gift, my heart sinks almost instantly for I know that I am supposed to "use" the gift, say a chopping axe or handsaw, and I am just not into this type of manual labor. I do not apologize for my feeling this way. Now, if the "Bad Gifter" gives me this due to him or her not being able to afford anything better, that is fine. I will mount the item on my wall with the "Bad Gifter's" name on it, but I have central heating and air, and no fireplace. Thanks anyway.
3.) Posters of Non-Hollywood Legends: I should have to explain this item. If a "Bad Gifter" gives me a wall-size poster of Cesar Romero ("Joker" on ABC's Batman, 1968) or even Adam West who was Batman on this ABC hit, I will politely say thanks and when you leave my Christmas gathering, I will file these gifts into the place in my small workplace in my home: underneath my computer desk out of sight. Nothing personal against Romero or West, it's just these two men were not who I categorize as Hollywood legends. If you had given me posters of Bogie, Peter Lorrie, or Clark Gable, yes, sir, I would have hugged your neck and whipped out the adhesive tape and these beauties would be put on my wall.
2.) Walking Shorts, Socks For Men: Please?! Are you kidding me? Take a gander at the guy in the photo on this article. First off, he does not look like me. Thank God! See what I mean by me not wanting a gift like these things? I would not wear something as silly as walking shorts and socks, unless I was as wealthy as a Kuwaiti oil sheik, and that would be the only reason I would wear something of this nature in private or public.
1.) Animal Head Mounts: If you dare give me the head of a majestic buck deer with a rack of nine points of antlers, I will lose my composure and ask you to leave my Christmas party. But not before I find out why you even showed up since I don't send invitations to "Bad Gifters." The State of Alabama allows a "Deer (Hunting) Season," for so many weeks and this, says the Wildlife and Game Commission, thins out the herds of deer to keep a lot of deer from starving for lack of food. Okay. I understand that. But many jerks use this season to "just" kill as many deer as possible even to go over their limit and for what? So they can get their photos run in our local paper. That's all. A pure case of egotism. I hate egotism. Now if you are not employed and there is no money in your pockets, but you have a family to feed and all state, county, and Federal Government assistance is denied, plus the local grocers will not give you food for your family, go ahead. Kill a deer, get it dressed, and cook it up for your family. I have no problem with this. And any sensible-minded man or woman shouldn't either.
And a fitting good night, Arctic Circle, home of Santa's Kingdom and workshop.
© 2016 Kenneth Avery