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Elf on the Shelf Holiday Helper: 9 Christmas Gift Ideas for Naughty Boys and Girls

Updated on April 18, 2017
FlourishAnyway profile image

FlourishAnyway is an I/O psychologist and parent with a slapstick sense of humor.

A couple of weeks of good behavior aren't enough to undo a whole year of mischief.
A couple of weeks of good behavior aren't enough to undo a whole year of mischief. | Source

Santa Has a Helper

In the weeks leading up to Christmas, a magical thing seems to happen every year. People become much better-behaved versions of themselves. But here's the thing: A couple of weeks cannot make up for a year's worth of naughtydom.

Old Santa's naughty radar has become frazzled and frayed. Some even call it antique. But St. Nick still knows when those pesky youngsters

  • stay up at night texting to friends,
  • utter "potty words,"
  • eye-roll behind teachers' and parents' backs,
  • swap healthy snacks for junk food, and
  • merely pretend to bathe.

As kids have become more challenging so has Santa's job. Overwhelmed, the Jolly Old Guy has now outsourced the "checking it twice" part of the nice and naughty list to the Elf on the Shelf.

He Knows If You've Been Bad

Just be good.  Santa may be jolly, but all the naughtydom is making him weary.
Just be good. Santa may be jolly, but all the naughtydom is making him weary. | Source

Reader's Poll

This past year, have you been ...

See results

Naughty Kids: Can't Hold Them Back, Can't Tie Them Down

There's no holding this kid back, and tying him down didn't work.
There's no holding this kid back, and tying him down didn't work. | Source

Replacing the Lump of Coal with Other Gift Ideas

With the value of coal being what it is, it's become like chunks of black gold. Frugal Old St. Nick has decided he can't waste it on all of those who won't behave.

Rather than leaving coal in the stockings of naughty children, he's therefore asked his little sidekick, the Elf on the Shelf, to develop a list of Christmas gift ideas for the naughty ones this past year.

Being somewhat naughty himself, here are the ideas the Elf came up with:

Click thumbnail to view full-size
Who wouldn't want to play with poo?Looks like the real thing.  Thankfully, it doesn't smell like it.
Who wouldn't want to play with poo?
Who wouldn't want to play with poo? | Source
Looks like the real thing.  Thankfully, it doesn't smell like it.
Looks like the real thing. Thankfully, it doesn't smell like it. | Source

1. Poo Dough (Complete with "Corn")

Awful and funny, all wrapped up into one. What naughty kid wouldn't love this toy?

With this brown play dough mold, your bad boy or girl can craft their own harmless brown turd, add artful bits of yellow dough to resemble corn, then leave it where the little brown loaf can garner the largest surprise.

Just imagine Grandma's reaction to some well-placed false feces in her house—especially when the kiddo picks it up and hands it directly to her. Now that's naughty!

My husband and I gave this as a gag gift at a White Elephant Christmas party, and adults like it, too!

Sorry about your furniture!  Grandma will be so relieved to find out it's not real.
Sorry about your furniture! Grandma will be so relieved to find out it's not real. | Source

2. Fake Spilled Nail Polish

Any naughty child will get a kick out of placing this on a new carpet, an expensive piece of furniture, an heirloom quilt, or perhaps a marble countertop. Watch parents, the babysitter, and others go berserk!

Seriously. What naughty kid wouldn't want to bathe using shower gel that comes out of a big silicone nose? Think of it as ooey, gooey, drippy, slimy snot.
Seriously. What naughty kid wouldn't want to bathe using shower gel that comes out of a big silicone nose? Think of it as ooey, gooey, drippy, slimy snot.

3. Nose-Shaped Shower Gel Dispenser

I've never understood the aversion to personal hygiene that happens in middle childhood.

For some reason, naughty boys and girls believe that simply running the bathwater, splashing it around and maybe even moistening some towels will trick parents into believing they've actually bathed. But their body rust eventually gives them away.

Until the little rascals outgrow their aversion to showers, here's a way to help them clean up their act.

4. Canned Unicorn Meat

If your little girl enjoys unicorns she'll just LOVE eating them! Whether boiled, fried, or straight out of the can, unicorn meat will have your little princess seeing sparkles and rainbows while she farts hopes and dreams. (Also comes in fire-breathing Dragon Meat flavor.)

Modern Day Santa Claus Is Coming to Town

Oh! You better watch out,
Stop rolling those eyes,
Watch your filthy mouth,
Stop telling those lies
Santa Claus is coming to town!

He's making a list,
Checking it twice,
Gonna find out who's naughty or nice.
Santa Claus is coming to town!

He sees you when you're texting,
He knows you're still awake.
He knows if you've been bad or good,
So be good for your own sake!

Oh! You better watch out,
Stop rolling those eyes,
Watch your filthy mouth,
I'm telling you why:
Santa Claus is coming to town!

5. Fake Cockroaches

Fewer things will get a reaction quicker than a well-placed cockroach. Cockroaches are often associated with damp and unsanitary places such as sewers, garbage disposals, bathrooms, and kitchens.1

Imagine the fun that your naughty child will have pranking teachers, grandparents, friends and strangers with these realistic looking insects.

Think of all the places your naughty kid can place these fake roaches to get a great reaction:

  • in the kitchen pantry
  • on the floor
  • on the dinner table
  • in the laundry room.

Your little prankster can even place one upside down for maximum realistic effect. (Note: Any self-respecting, ill-behaved child videotapes his or her work.)

"Baa haa haa!  Fooled you"!  The prankster will enjoy seeing the reactions of lucky lotto winners when they find out they've been fooled.
"Baa haa haa! Fooled you"! The prankster will enjoy seeing the reactions of lucky lotto winners when they find out they've been fooled.

6. Fake Lottery Tickets

Your naughty kid will earn his or her reputation with these authentic-looking lottery tickets, each of which is a "winner." Just don't let Junior use them on anyone who can't take a joke!

What's funnier than a fart?  Farts set to music!
What's funnier than a fart? Farts set to music!

7. Farting Piano

Any poorly behaved kid with crude humor will just love this farting piano. (It burps, gags, sneezes, and makes other gross sounds, too!)

Naughty kids can take bathroom humor to a whole new level by playing Jingle Bells to the sound of passed gas.

Sometimes They Start Early

This one will be at the top of Santa's naughty list by the time she's in elementary school.
This one will be at the top of Santa's naughty list by the time she's in elementary school. | Source

8. Bubba Teeth Pacifier

Got a naughty little crier on your hands? Put a plug in it. These cute pacifiers will give your little attention hound what he or she needs. Also available in the following styles:

  • gold gangsta grillz
  • mustache
  • Li'l Sherlock
  • mute or snooze buttons and
  • pig or rabbit noses.

Stop your naughty little one from whining with this Bubba Teeth Pacifier.
Stop your naughty little one from whining with this Bubba Teeth Pacifier.

9. Zombie Jerky

Thank goodness this jerky comes in teriyaki flavor! (Zombies are known to taste a bit rank. They usually have a faint flavor of brains.)

Any naughty kid with this in his lunch will find that NO ONE will trade with him. Zombie toenails and skin are also available.

Parting Words for Parents

Santa and the Elf on the Shelf know that even the ill-behaved kids aren't naughty 100% of the time. So with these small gifts and the prospect of a new year ahead, there's hope that the bad boys and girls will change their ways.

If you have a naughty kid or teen, be patient with them and keep trying. I bet even YOU weren't perfect growing up. Merry Christmas!

The Elf on the Shelf: He's Been Naughty This Year Himself

Elf On the Shelf has been naughty himself this year.  Here he is upskirting the Christmas tree angel while Frosty grins in the background.
Elf On the Shelf has been naughty himself this year. Here he is upskirting the Christmas tree angel while Frosty grins in the background. | Source

What's in a Name? Locations with Names Associated with Santa (Other Than the North Pole)

show route and directions
A markerNoel, Missouri -
Noel, MO, USA
get directions

B markerStocking, Austria -
Stocking, Austria
get directions

C markerPinetree, Georgia -
Pinetree, Georgia, USA
get directions

D markerMerri, France -
Merri, France
get directions

E markerRudolph, Wisconsin -
Rudolph, WI, USA
get directions

F markerCoal County, Oklahoma -
Coal County, OK, USA
get directions

G markerSanta, Peru -
Santa District, Peru
get directions

H markerChristmas, Arizona -
Christmas, AZ, USA
get directions

I markerSanta Claus, Indiana -
Santa Claus, IN, USA
get directions

J markerAngel Canyon, New Mexico -
Angel Canyon, El Rito, NM 87530, USA
get directions

Notes

1Jacobs, Steve. "American Cockroaches." Entomology (Penn State University). Last modified January 2013. http://ento.psu.edu/extension/factsheets/american-cockroaches.

Jimmy Kimmel's Challenge: I Gave My Kids A Terrible Present

© 2014 FlourishAnyway

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    • FlourishAnyway profile image
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      FlourishAnyway 13 months ago from USA

      Peggy - Pranks are always fun to play on the unsuspecting. Imagine one of those cockroaches strategically placed in your kitchen cabinet or near a dinner plate! What fun!

    • Peggy W profile image

      Peggy Woods 13 months ago from Houston, Texas

      This was fun to read just as long as no one tosses those fake roaches in my path. Ugh! Rubber snakes in unexpected places would also draw an involuntary shriek or two out of me. Haha!

    • FlourishAnyway profile image
      Author

      FlourishAnyway 19 months ago from USA

      Amanda - Glad you enjoyed the elf! He's looking forward to the holidays and hopes you are too!

    • stuff4kids profile image

      Amanda Littlejohn 19 months ago

      Shelley, when you're not being wise (which you often are) I know I can always guarantee you will have me in tears - of laughter!

      Thanks for this. What a treat. :)

    • FlourishAnyway profile image
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      FlourishAnyway 2 years ago from USA

      Susie - Thanks for taking a look at my Xmas hub during off season! Glad you enjoyed it!

    • colorfulone profile image

      Susie Lehto 2 years ago from Minnesota

      Flourish, this is funny indeed. Your sense of humor and in-depth research for just the right products, and writing style really pulled this off well!

    • FlourishAnyway profile image
      Author

      FlourishAnyway 2 years ago from USA

      CatherineGiodano - Thanks for reading. It worked for me! It's a fun little Christmas diversion in the midst of all the other things there are going on. Makes for great Facebook shenanigans, too.

    • CatherineGiordano profile image

      Catherine Giordano 2 years ago from Orlando Florida

      Very funny. I enjoyed reading about all these icky gifts. I've been thinking about the elf on a shelf. Pretty clever marketing. You can't play unless you buy the elf doll.

    • FlourishAnyway profile image
      Author

      FlourishAnyway 2 years ago from USA

      Rose - Glad you liked it! Have a terrific week!

    • randomcreative profile image

      Rose Clearfield 2 years ago from Milwaukee, Wisconsin

      What a great round up! Thanks for sharing.

    • FlourishAnyway profile image
      Author

      FlourishAnyway 2 years ago from USA

      Pollyanna - Thanks for reading! That Elf on the Shelf is pesky. Perhaps he will venture overseas sometime soon.

    • Pollyanna Jones profile image

      Pollyanna Jones 2 years ago from United Kingdom

      The Elf on the Shelf hasn't caught on over here yet, but it looks like fun. I see a lot of photos from my American friends portraying his antics. Thanks for the ideas for the joke gifts too.

    • FlourishAnyway profile image
      Author

      FlourishAnyway 2 years ago from USA

      ezzly - That's such a kind compliment. Thanks so much!

    • ezzly profile image

      ezzly 2 years ago

      I love elf on the shelf, such a cute concept. As ever your witty writing never fails to impress, you should write a book !

    • FlourishAnyway profile image
      Author

      FlourishAnyway 2 years ago from USA

      My Bell - Thanks for stopping by. Hope you have a good time at that "white elephant" gift exchange!

    • My Bell profile image

      Marcelle Bell 2 years ago

      I love all the funny gift ideas. In our neighborhood, we do a silly gift exchange with just the ladies and I think most of these gifts would fit the bill. Thanks for you're always fun to read articles!

    • FlourishAnyway profile image
      Author

      FlourishAnyway 2 years ago from USA

      Jo - I entertain to straight faces, eye rolls, and shaking heads around here. Thanks for appreciating me!

    • tobusiness profile image

      Jo Alexis-Hagues 2 years ago from Bedfordshire, U.K

      Flourish I can see that christmas at your house is going to be a real hoot. I love the new version of 'Santa Claus is coming to town.' Once again, hilarious and lots of fun.

    • FlourishAnyway profile image
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      FlourishAnyway 2 years ago from USA

      teaches12345 - I like jokes that can be regifted. Thanks for reading, and have a good weekend!

    • teaches12345 profile image

      Dianna Mendez 2 years ago

      I can see some of these being a big hit at many Christmas gatherings. The unicorn spam is one I would be tempted to give my hubby. Thanks for sharing this unique gift ideas - very funny!

    • FlourishAnyway profile image
      Author

      FlourishAnyway 2 years ago from USA

      Bishop55 - Thanks for reading! Have a great hohoho holiday season.

    • Bishop55 profile image

      Rebecca 2 years ago from USA

      Another slam dunk! Hilarious!

    • FlourishAnyway profile image
      Author

      FlourishAnyway 2 years ago from USA

      Audrey - Poo dough for all the little stinkers in your life! Thanks for reading!

    • AudreyHowitt profile image

      Audrey Howitt 2 years ago from California

      Oh this just cracked me u!! I need some Poo Dough!!

    • FlourishAnyway profile image
      Author

      FlourishAnyway 2 years ago from USA

      Susan - Glad you enjoyed this! a thanks for reading, commenting and sharing.

    • susi10 profile image

      Susan W 2 years ago from The British Isles, Europe

      Ha ha! Utterly hilarious, Flourish! :-)

      I greatly enjoyed reading this entertaining piece. Those 'not so nice' kids could definitely do with some of these gags! Just imagine their faces when receiving these gifts! Sharing and voted funny.

    • FlourishAnyway profile image
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      FlourishAnyway 2 years ago from USA

      DDE - Glad you enjoyed this. Have a great week!

    • FlourishAnyway profile image
      Author

      FlourishAnyway 2 years ago from USA

      ologsinquito - Amazingly that aversion to soap and water can even happen with daughters. I don't know why they hate baths/showers so much and why they go to such lengths to try to fool parents. We teased our daughter that the habit was "boy repellent." She is well over it now. Thanks for reading, commenting, and pinning!

    • ologsinquito profile image

      ologsinquito 2 years ago from USA

      These are hilarious. Yes, I've seem the aversion to soap and water that can happen, especially with boys, in middle childhood. This is good clean fun, except for the first "present." Pinned to my miscellaneous board.

    • DDE profile image

      Devika Primić 2 years ago from Dubrovnik, Croatia

      Awesome! I enjoyed reading and your presentation is perfect.

    • FlourishAnyway profile image
      Author

      FlourishAnyway 2 years ago from USA

      Better Yourself - Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it. The roaches would be a fun way to liven things up.

    • Better Yourself profile image

      Better Yourself 2 years ago from North Carolina

      Hilarious hub! The fake roaches would freak me out!!! And I love the Jimmy Kimmel video - well done and voted up :)

    • FlourishAnyway profile image
      Author

      FlourishAnyway 2 years ago from USA

      Linda - Thanks so much for reading. Have a great week!

    • AliciaC profile image

      Linda Crampton 2 years ago from British Columbia, Canada

      This hub is very amusing and creative, Flourish! Thanks for the fun.

    • FlourishAnyway profile image
      Author

      FlourishAnyway 2 years ago from USA

      Savvy - Yep, I agree! But those rascals didn't get that way overnight. I'm sure someone in the family gave them lessons. Thanks for stopping by. Have a great week!

    • savvydating profile image

      savvydating 2 years ago

      Hahaha. Good one. These gifts are a naughty kids dream. Ironically, these "bad" gifts are perfect for all the naughty elves out there. Nothing would make them happier, except maybe an iphone 6!

      Up & funny!

    • FlourishAnyway profile image
      Author

      FlourishAnyway 2 years ago from USA

      Bill - He's a good elf gone naughty. Some say he hangs around at Target (but always Amazon, of course). I hear that nutella on the toilet seat and all over the bathroom sink is a good gag and very convincing. Yuck! Thanks for reading.

    • bdegiulio profile image

      Bill De Giulio 2 years ago from Massachusetts

      Hi Flourish. A hilarious hub. We were actually out today in a local toy store looking for the Elf on the Shelf. I had never heard of it before and now in one day I'm out shopping for it and then read this very funny hub. Great job. Love the snot dispenser and the fake roaches.

    • FlourishAnyway profile image
      Author

      FlourishAnyway 2 years ago from USA

      Jackie - Call it second childhood!

    • Jackie Lynnley profile image

      Jackie Lynnley 2 years ago from The Beautiful South

      I think Flourish was perhaps a naughty little girl?! Fun read.

    • FlourishAnyway profile image
      Author

      FlourishAnyway 2 years ago from USA

      Stevarino - Awesome! I'll add it. Thanks for stopping by!

    • stevarino profile image

      Steve Dowell 2 years ago from East Central Indiana

      Don't forget Santa Claus, Indiana! Funny article - voted up!

    • FlourishAnyway profile image
      Author

      FlourishAnyway 2 years ago from USA

      MsDora - I especially enjoyed the little girl who ate the over-ripe banana. And the kid who cracked the half dozen eggs. Thanks for reading!

    • FlourishAnyway profile image
      Author

      FlourishAnyway 2 years ago from USA

      travmaj - Farting pianos are about my speed as well! I mean really, who can pretend they don't do that? Have a great weekend!

    • MsDora profile image

      Dora Isaac Weithers 2 years ago from The Caribbean

      This is really funny. I also watched the Jimmy Kimmel video; I'm glad that the kids did not think they were obliged to like ugliness just because they were presents. What will they think of next?

    • FlourishAnyway profile image
      Author

      FlourishAnyway 2 years ago from USA

      Iris - I'm glad to have brought a little lightness to your day. Have a good one!

    • FlourishAnyway profile image
      Author

      FlourishAnyway 2 years ago from USA

      Faith Reaper - That little boy definitely learned it from someone. Such a shocker there, and I agree with Jimmy Kimmel that Santa needs to skip him entirely. Thanks for reading, commenting, sharing. Have a great weekend.

    • travmaj profile image

      travmaj 2 years ago from australia

      I think I'll turn into a goody goody in case someone read this and presents me with one of these gifts. A winning lottery ticket might cause more than elation when realisation kicked in - christmas behind bars wouldn't be fun!

      I could use a farting piano though. Hilarious, thanks.

    • Iris Draak profile image

      Cristen Iris 2 years ago from Boise, Idaho

      Oh my gosh, so funny! I really did laugh out loud. You really got me with the Poo Dough and the elf up-skirting the angel. This made my day!

    • Faith Reaper profile image

      Faith Reaper 2 years ago from southern USA

      Hahaha, oh my, the farting piano would actually go over well on my in-law side of the family hee hee. The other stuff is pretty gross. I am with Sha about that little boy's mouth at the end of the video, needing the gift of a bar of soap LOL ... What a surprise there LOL

      Thank you for the laughs and your creativity here, always great writing and you have great wit.

      Up ++++ tweeting and pinning

      All should heed the warning to straighten up and be good all year long!

    • FlourishAnyway profile image
      Author

      FlourishAnyway 2 years ago from USA

      Heidi - I can see the pixiedust gravy right now (and those poor pups with the goose turds). Sounds like you have some pups gone bad this year! Thanks for reading! Hope your Thanksgiving was a good one! Have a great weekend.

    • FlourishAnyway profile image
      Author

      FlourishAnyway 2 years ago from USA

      Bill - Thanks for stopping by. Hopefully, you've been good this year! Hope you've had a great Thanksgiving.

    • FlourishAnyway profile image
      Author

      FlourishAnyway 2 years ago from USA

      Sha - Wasn't that the shocker!?! Those who didn't play it all the way to the end missed a real treat.

    • FlourishAnyway profile image
      Author

      FlourishAnyway 2 years ago from USA

      Bobbi - Thanks so much! In addition to a teenaged daugter, I've got some naughty nieces and nephews I adore, and I had them in mind when I wrote this! Have a great weekend!

    • FlourishAnyway profile image
      Author

      FlourishAnyway 2 years ago from USA

      Jodah - I'm not the kind who would take too kindly to fake lottery tickets either! Have a great weekend.

    • bravewarrior profile image

      Shauna L Bowling 2 years ago from Central Florida

      Flourish, these gag gifts are so creative. And gross! I'll bet the farting piano gets lots of laughs out of kids of all ages, including parents.

      I watched the video. That little kid at the end who had some choice words for Jimmy Kimmel needs to have his toothpaste replaced with soap!

    • PurvisBobbi44 profile image

      PurvisBobbi44 2 years ago from Florida

      Hi,

      This is a Darling hub---I called my sister and told her about it so she can read it. What a fun time to just be a child again or an aunt like me who likes to play with her nieces.

      I wish you and yours a fun and Merry Christmas.

      Bobbi Purvis

      I am going to send this to my Twitter followers.

    • FlourishAnyway profile image
      Author

      FlourishAnyway 2 years ago from USA

      Frank - The first time I saw Poo Dough it stopped me right in my tracks. I did a double take and cringed. Have a great weekend.

    • heidithorne profile image

      Heidi Thorne 2 years ago from Chicago Area

      Oh my! I love the unicorn spam meat. It's great as leftovers with pixiedust gravy! And my dogs would love the poo-dough since they're always getting into rabbit and goose droppings. Bleck! BTW, my furkids are sooooo on the naughty list this year it isn't even funny. Great pics and puns as always! Voted up and sharing for sure!

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 2 years ago from Olympia, WA

      This was absolutely hilarious. Great to see your sense of humor shine through. Toss in the fact that it was very well-written, and we have a winner here. :)

    • Jodah profile image

      John Hansen 2 years ago from Queensland Australia

      This was hilarious Flourish.....love it. I'd buy a farting piano for some grandkids but I don't think their parents would appreciate it, and I hope no one buys me any fake lottery tickets....that would suck. Voted up, funny.

    • Frank Atanacio profile image

      Frank Atanacio 2 years ago from Shelton

      lol poo-dooh with corn lol this was a fun hub ..

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