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Funny New Year's Resolutions

I read nonfiction, but I'd rather write humor. I am not perfect, nor am I consistent. I am a work in progress.

Why make real resolutions when you'll abandon them anyway?

Why make real resolutions when you'll abandon them anyway?

40 Funny New Year’s Resolutions

Every year people make resolutions to change something about themselves or start doing something differently. Unfortunately, their resolutions end quickly, and soon they are back to the same thing again. Setting New Year's resolutions has become such a joke that it's probably more useful to write a list of funny resolutions and laugh at them. You could, of course, set resolutions for yourself at any time of the year.

Here is a list of funny resolutions that you can laugh at before you set yourself up for failure this year. Write your own funny New Year's resolutions at the bottom of this page, so the list can be even longer. Good luck resisting falling into the resolutions trap!

10 "Realistic" Resolutions

I will...

  1. Start washing my hands after I use the restroom.
  2. Stop drinking orange juice after I've just brushed my teeth.
  3. Stop licking frozen flagpoles.
  4. Only get divorced and remarried once this year.
  5. Watch more movie remakes.
  6. Go back to school . . . to avoid paying my student loans.
  7. Only eat white snow.
  8. Keep it to myself that I have trouble with authority when I'm being interviewed.
  9. Spend less than $1,825 on coffee at Starbucks this year.
  10. Claim all my pets as dependents on my taxes.
It's a hard job, but someone's gotta do it.

It's a hard job, but someone's gotta do it.

I will...

  1. Watch more cute and cuddly kitten videos on YouTube.
  2. Check my work e-mail account at least once this year.
  3. Switch my username to “password” and my password to “username” to make each a lot harder for hackers to figure out.
  4. Watch less TV . . . in standard definition.
  5. Stop buying worthless junk on eBay—because QVC has better specials.
  6. Start using Facebook for something other than Farmville and stupid quizzes.
  7. Help kids stay safe by not texting on my cell phone while eating McDonald’s and speeding through crosswalks in school zones with a frost-covered windshield.
  8. Avoid fingertip soreness by learning to play Rock Band instead of a real guitar.
  9. Start a blog about how I would write more often if I had something important to write. Only make one blog entry and leave it published for years.
  10. Talk with a robot voice all the time.
Hey, I am giving something up.

Hey, I am giving something up.

10 Diet and Weight Management Resolutions

I will...

  1. Lose weight by hiding it somewhere you'll never find it.
  2. Gain enough weight to get on "The Biggest Loser."
  3. Buy new clothes big enough to account for next year's holidays.
  4. Start smoking to lose weight.
  5. Lose weight by inventing an anti-gravity machine.
  6. Lose weight by living on the moon.
  7. Find a more accurate scale.
  8. Build biceps by increasing reps of Ding Dong curls to 3 sets of 15.
  9. Stop buttering my doughnuts.
  10. Eat more fruit . . . snacks.
That's financially sound, right?

That's financially sound, right?

10 Resolutions About Money and Finances

I will...

  1. Pay off my credit cards every month in full . . . with my other credit cards.
  2. Save some money for a rainy day. That way I can shop online instead of having to go to an actual store.
  3. Keep better records throughout the year. That way I can listen to better music while I'm figuring my taxes.
  4. Look for investors for my "home office" business.
  5. Lower my bills by digging a hole to put them in.
  6. Avoid getting a divorce by practicing polygamy.
  7. Borrow things more often. Return them less often.
  8. Visit the grocery more often than restaurants, especially when free samples are being served.
  9. Buy a fire extinguisher—so my money won't burn a hole in my pocket.
  10. Stop throwing away money that could at least be burned for heat.

Write Your Own Funny New Year's Resolutions

Feelie on January 01, 2020:

read actual humour

Lewis hylven on December 31, 2019:

My new years resolution is to get a new job that pays good

Roy on December 30, 2019:

I can never accomplish resolutions. Except maybe these.

DONO on December 26, 2018:

I don't make new year resolutions; I am perfect already.

Doris H. Dancy from Yorktown, Virginia on January 12, 2015:

Hi Blake ~ Thanks for the early morning laughs to start my day, especially the one I made about paying off my credit cards every month. My husband thought that was funny coming out of my mouth about twenty years ago.

Me on November 02, 2014:

Stop smoking. I'll worry about the fire later.

Mike B on December 30, 2013:

I'm going to order an Angry Whopper and try to get it to calm down.

Kliney Joe on December 31, 2012:

I'm going to brush my teeth after I eat broccoli

California Girl on January 30, 2012:

My new years resolution is to write 2012 instead of 2011..... It gets me every time!

hippo on January 02, 2012:

stop loosing my balls on the golf course.

Michael B on January 01, 2012:

Put more embarassing items in random peoples carts while shopping at Wal-Mart. After all who doesn't need a family size bottle of lube!

Paul on December 31, 2011:

My new years resolution is not to have any new years resolutions.

Nagi01 on December 31, 2011:

Stop going to funerals.

Mary Wickison from USA on December 31, 2011:

I vow to squeeze the tube of toothpaste from the end and not the middle. Unless I am trying to annoy my husband of course.

WD Curry 111 from Space Coast on December 31, 2011:

Quit walking off with other peoplle's pens.

Sandy on December 31, 2011:

To stop using Botox so my spruce can wake up to the "real me". Lol

Bob on December 30, 2011:

My New Year's Resolution is to not say any s's in my sentences

Erin LeFey from Maryland on January 01, 2011:

I will open a new credit card with a higher limit to pay off my old credit cards once and for all. And finally start going to the mall again.