Funny New Year's Resolutions

Updated on September 11, 2019
Blake Flannery profile image

I read nonfiction, but I'd rather write humor. I am not perfect, nor am I consistent. I am a work in progress.

Why make real resolutions when you'll abandon them anyway?
Why make real resolutions when you'll abandon them anyway?

New Year's Resolutions Are Funny

Every year people make resolutions to change something about themselves or start doing something differently. Unfortunately, their New Year's resolutions end quickly, and soon they are back to the same thing again. Setting New Year's resolutions has become such a joke that it's probably more useful to write a list of funny resolutions and laugh at them. You could, of course, set resolutions for yourself at any time of the year.

40 Resolutions to Make You Laugh

Here is a list of funny New Year's resolutions that you can laugh at before you set yourself up for failure this year. Write your own funny New Year's resolutions at the bottom of this page, so the list can be even longer. Good luck resisting falling into the resolutions trap!

Start the morning out right.
Start the morning out right. | Source

10 "Realistic" Resolutions

I will...

  1. Start washing my hands after I use the restroom.
  2. Stop drinking orange juice after I've just brushed my teeth.
  3. Stop licking frozen flagpoles.
  4. Only get divorced and remarried once this year.
  5. Watch more movie remakes.
  6. Go back to school . . . to avoid paying my student loans.
  7. Only eat white snow.
  8. Keep it to myself that I have trouble with authority when I'm being interviewed.
  9. Spend less than $1,825 on coffee at Starbucks this year.
  10. Claim all my pets as dependents on my taxes.

It's a hard job, but someone's gotta do it.
It's a hard job, but someone's gotta do it. | Source

10 Technology-Related Resolutions

I will...

  1. Watch more cute and cuddly kitten videos on YouTube.
  2. Check my work e-mail account at least once this year.
  3. Switch my username to “password” and my password to “username” to make each a lot harder for hackers to figure out.
  4. Watch less TV . . . in standard definition.
  5. Stop buying worthless junk on eBay—because QVC has better specials.
  6. Start using Facebook for something other than Farmville and stupid quizzes.
  7. Help kids stay safe by not texting on my cell phone while eating McDonald’s and speeding through crosswalks in school zones with a frost-covered windshield.
  8. Avoid fingertip soreness by learning to play Rock Band instead of a real guitar.
  9. Start a blog about how I would write more often if I had something important to write. Only make one blog entry and leave it published for years.
  10. Talk with a robot voice all the time.

Hey, I am giving something up.
Hey, I am giving something up. | Source

10 Diet and Weight Management Resolutions

I will...

  1. Lose weight by hiding it somewhere you'll never find it.
  2. Gain enough weight to get on "The Biggest Loser."
  3. Buy new clothes big enough to account for next year's holidays.
  4. Start smoking to lose weight.
  5. Lose weight by inventing an anti-gravity machine.
  6. Lose weight by living on the moon.
  7. Find a more accurate scale.
  8. Build biceps by increasing reps of Ding Dong curls to 3 sets of 15.
  9. Stop buttering my doughnuts.
  10. Eat more fruit . . . snacks.

That's financially sound, right?
That's financially sound, right? | Source

10 Resolutions About Money and Finances

I will...

  1. Pay off my credit cards every month in full . . . with my other credit cards.
  2. Save some money for a rainy day. That way I can shop online instead of having to go to an actual store.
  3. Keep better records throughout the year. That way I can listen to better music while I'm figuring my taxes.
  4. Look for investors for my "home office" business.
  5. Lower my bills by digging a hole to put them in.
  6. Avoid getting a divorce by practicing polygamy.
  7. Borrow things more often. Return them less often.
  8. Visit the grocery more often than restaurants, especially when free samples are being served.
  9. Buy a fire extinguisher—so my money won't burn a hole in my pocket.
  10. Stop throwing away money that could at least be burned for heat.

Video: Funny New Year's Resolutions

Are New Year's Resolutions Worth Trying to Accomplish?

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Write Your Own Funny New Year's Resolutions

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    • profile image

      DONO 

      11 months ago

      I don't make new year resolutions; I am perfect already.

    • Doris Dancy profile image

      Doris H. Dancy 

      4 years ago from Yorktown, Virginia

      Hi Blake ~ Thanks for the early morning laughs to start my day, especially the one I made about paying off my credit cards every month. My husband thought that was funny coming out of my mouth about twenty years ago.

    • profile image

      Me 

      5 years ago

      Stop smoking. I'll worry about the fire later.

    • profile image

      Mike B 

      5 years ago

      I'm going to order an Angry Whopper and try to get it to calm down.

    • profile image

      Kliney Joe 

      6 years ago

      I'm going to brush my teeth after I eat broccoli

    • profile image

      California Girl 

      7 years ago

      My new years resolution is to write 2012 instead of 2011..... It gets me every time!

    • profile image

      hippo 

      7 years ago

      stop loosing my balls on the golf course.

    • profile image

      Michael B 

      7 years ago

      Put more embarassing items in random peoples carts while shopping at Wal-Mart. After all who doesn't need a family size bottle of lube!

    • profile image

      Paul 

      7 years ago

      My new years resolution is not to have any new years resolutions.

    • profile image

      Nagi01 

      7 years ago

      Stop going to funerals.

    • Blond Logic profile image

      Mary Wickison 

      7 years ago from Brazil

      I vow to squeeze the tube of toothpaste from the end and not the middle. Unless I am trying to annoy my husband of course.

    • WD Curry 111 profile image

      WD Curry 111 

      7 years ago from Space Coast

      Quit walking off with other peoplle's pens.

    • profile image

      Sandy 

      7 years ago

      To stop using Botox so my spruce can wake up to the "real me". Lol

    • profile image

      Bob 

      7 years ago

      My New Year's Resolution is to not say any s's in my sentences

    • Erin LeFey profile image

      Erin LeFey 

      8 years ago from Maryland

      I will open a new credit card with a higher limit to pay off my old credit cards once and for all. And finally start going to the mall again.

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