Naughty Elf On the Shelf Ideas: Good Elf Gone Bad
This Is So Wrong! Where Did Santa Get This Elf?
Is Santa Close To Retirement? Outsourcing Hits the North Pole
You can keep a secret, can't you? I didn't think so. I guess I'll tell you anyway.
Santa's been at this whole gift giving thing a long time, you know. Frankly, he has me worried. Between job burnout, all those fattening Christmas cookies, and his age — seriously, how old is he? — he could be pulling a retirement surprise on us any day now. Then where would we be?
You can see the writing on the wall because Santa's hired a sidekick less than half his age. (Or could the reindeer be trying to force him out? They are very cliquish, you know, and I hear that Blitzen is a real bully.)
Santa, Please Don't Retire! We Need You!
Santa's HR Elf Didn't Check this Elf's References
The jolly old fellow used to do all the research himself on which children were good or bad. But now it looks like he's outsourced those crucial duties to some young intern, for Pete's sake.
Or rather, Santa has had his HR elf do the hiring for him. I'm not even sure HR checked references or qualifications on this intern fellow. I'm guessing the HR elf just hired someone he knew. (You know how those elves are — always sticking together.)
Santa Has Dialed Down His Workload
Santa is calling his young sidekick the "Elf On the Shelf." He assigned the kid the duties of spying on girls' and boys' behavior during the all-important weeks leading up to Christmas. That's when children come down with a bad case of the "gimmes." I really think the jolly old guy has just about had enough.
Each night, Santa's intern reports back to him on whether the kiddies have been naughty or nice. That's right, Santa has dialed down his workload. He's left this crucial work duty to this young hack.
For Jolly Saint Nick, There's No Hiding. But Will He Be Retiring?
Santa Claus Spotted At A Waffle House Outside Richmond, VA
Santa Claus was spotted at a Waffle House outside Richmond, VA in mid-summer. Was he checking out the area in order to retire there?
Okay, Here's the Scoop, But You Didn't Hear It From Me ...
Rumor is this Shelf Elf is not cut out for his job. As in candy cane clueless.
Now, North Pole Internal Investigations has gotten involved and they are looking into whether he is doing his job appropriately. You didn't hear this from me, got it?
I've obtained a copy of their secret file, full of undercover photos. With all his pranks, this guy is making a mockery of the "nice and naughty" list. If you ask me, he's had too much eggnog and is behaving like a hohoho.
Don't tell a soul, but I think this Christmas elf has gone bad. Just get a load of some of the things I saw.
Santa's New Sidekick: Acting Like a Hohoho
What Is Elf On the Shelf?
While Carol Aebersold was growing up, she enjoyed a Christmas tradition involving a hide-and-seek pixie elf.1 The red-clad elf was Santa's eyes and ears during the busy holiday season, watching over her and reporting back to Santa each night. It was with elf assistance that Santa kept on top of his Nice and Naughty list for girls and boys.
In 2005, Aebersold co-authored the book "Elf on the Shelf" and has since sold over 6 million copies.2 Children "adopt" the elves, name them and register them online.
Their elf often appears between Thanksgiving and Christmas and magically appears in a new spot each morning. Often, the elf is involved in a humorous prank.
Parents commonly post photos on social media sites like Facebook. Given the popularity of the elf, inappropriate elf photos have become popular.
The Elf On the Shelf is now adding a birthday edition. A Hasbro employee has created a Jewish spinoff to the elf, called "Mensch On A Bench."3 A mensch is a good and honorable person.
Cookies and Cocoa With An Ugly Twist
These photos are truly shocking. Our little elf friend must have a deep disdain for not only his job but also the families he serves.
We all get a case of the "Hershey squirts" from time to time, but you and I don't go spreading the love, so to speak. North Pole Internal Investigations caught him decorating peanut butter cookies with his ... ahem ... stomach ills.
Almost as disturbing, he invited a nice family of Russian dolls over for hot cocoa then served it to them out of a neti pot! Yes, this is the same device that serves as a nasal douche when the sinuses are clogged.
I don't know about you, but in those photos, I can see "floaters" in that cocoa. Can we trust him that they're just marshmallows? That's one sick dude.
If Hanukkah Is More Your Thing ...
Get your own Mensch to watch over your family's Menorah. Add some Funnakah to Hanukkah and create new family memories.
Friends Gather 'Round: Neti Pot Cocoa Anyone?Click thumbnail to view full-size
He's Got A Case Of the "Hershey Squirts"
The Elf On the Shelf is a bad boy indeed. He switched the toothpaste for the hemorrhoid cream, hoping nobody would notice. It belongs on the nether regions, although some people also use it under their eyes to reduce puffiness.4 (Hopefully they use a different tube for their face.) If you fall for this ugly prank, at least your teeth won't itch.
That's Not Toothpaste On That Brush!
The Jerk Who Taught Miley Cyrus To Twerk
Twerking is the butt shaking, hip thrusting dance that Miley Cyrus made famous on the Video Music Awards in 2013. She shamefully sexualized teddy bears, of all things. It was so wrong that according to TIME magazine, American society doesn't even want to hear the word twerking anymore.5
But wait. Where did this troubled young woman learn her moves? Yep. The Elf On the Shelf is the jerk who taught Hannah Montana to twerk. North Pole Investigations caught him twerking in front of the teddy bears below. Just look at the expression on those poor bears' faces.
Twerking Elf: Will These Teddy Bears Ever Be the Same?
FUNNY VIDEO: Seniors React To Twerking
Elf Gone Wild
As if twerking weren't enough, the elf has been acting out in other ways that embarrass the North Pole and poorly represent all things Christmas.
I hear that the Santa's intern was reported to have been snorting confectioner's sugar with a straw and drinking maple syrup straight from the bottle. Wouldn't you know that addiction was at the root of his troubles?
This elf needs serious help. These shenanigans cannot continue.
Wearing only a bow, this troubled young elf was caught sexting a photo of himself to someone in the Gingerbread house. He then posted these provocative photos on-line.
What does the Elf On the Shelf have, gumdrops for brains? Photos are forever. This is Conduct Unbecoming Of An Elf. He'll never be more than an intern elf if he doesn't cool it.
Then there's the peeping Tom issue. He's an unabashed upskirter, someone who receives the cheapest of thrills from looking up Christmas tree angels' dresses. The practice is not exactly illegal, but it sure is creepy. Upskirting involves secretly photographing the area under a woman's dress.6
Word on the street is that Mrs. Claus has taken a special interest in this aspect of the investigation. She will be personally overseeing the Elf's punishment.
The Elf Is Sexting Again
Elf On the Shelf Caught Upskirting the Angels
What should we do with this naughty Elf On the Shelf?
North Pole Investigator Reviews Nutcracker MassacreClick thumbnail to view full-size
Major Crack-Up Or Just Another Case Of Nutcracker On Nutcracker Violence?
It's one thing to be a danger to yourself, but it's quite another to harm others. There was loss of life in the household where the Elf On the Shelf was staying recently. Sources say Santa's young elf sidekick could definitely have been involved.
Stella, the North Pole Investigator who arrived first on the scene, checked for life, then secured the scene. She is a no nonsense investigator. She'll get to the bottom of this. Check out the photos of her hard at work.
Two nutcrackers were found mortally wounded. The place was a massacre. Nuts were strewn about everywhere — both cracked and uncracked. Some elves say that the young intern didn't do it, that the massacre was just another case of the escalating nutcracker on nutcracker violence.
Nutcrackers carry weapons, as they have them glued to their hands. When they disagree, sometimes nutcrackers use their swords instead of their words to argue. It's not right. All I'm saying, is just keep an open mind. Just because the Elf On the Shelf sexted and pooped on cookies doesn't mean he did this.
Just Remember: You Didn't Hear It From Me
This elf seems like a naughty guy who brings shame to elfkind. His jingle bells need a good shaking to make him realize that this is certainly not the way to represent Christmas.
Could this elf be in cahoots with the reindeer to oust Santa? They may be trying to frustrate the jolly old guy into giving up the reins of the sleigh. Or perhaps the intern is just candy cane clueless. (Or crazy?)
Whatever it is, you need to keep everything I told you to yourself. You didn't hear any of this from me. We don't want to end up on that naughty list, right?
1Haynes, Beth. "HomeGrown: Carol Aebersold, co-author of 'Elf on the Shelf'." HomeGrown. WBIR, n.d. Web. 13 Dec. 2013. http://mocux.wbir.com/story/entertainment/people/homegrown/2013/11/26/elf-shelf-carol-abersold/3762381/.
2Ortiz, Vicki. "Elf on Shelf popular, despite parenting experts' concerns." Chicago Tribune. N.p., 12 Dec. 2013. Web. 13 Dec. 2013. http://articles.chicagotribune.com/2013-12-12/news/ct-elf-on-the-shelf-met-20131212_1_shelf-the-elf-carol-aebersold.
3"Meet Mensch On A Bench, Jewish Counterpart To Elf On The Shelf."National Public Radio. N.p., 26 Nov. 2013. Web. 13 Dec. 2013. http://www.npr.org/2013/11/26/247346217/elf-on-the-shelf-meets-jewish-counterpart-mensch-on-a-bench.
4Gluck, Didi, and Genevieve Monsma. "16 Expert Answers for Eyes, Lips, Skin."WebMD. WebMD, n.d. Web. 13 Dec. 2013. http://www.webmd.com/beauty/face/16-expert-answers-for-eyes-lips-skin.
5Steinmetz, Katy. "Newsfeed." Twerk Is Officially the Word You Want Banished in 2014 Comments. TIME, 11 Dec. 2013. Web. 12 Dec. 2013. http://newsfeed.time.com/2013/12/11/twerk-is-officially-the-word-you-want-banished-in-2014/.
6Waxman, Simon. "Rivals On The Same Team: The Army-Navy Game Isn't Just About Football." Cognoscenti. N.p., 13 Nov. 2013. Web. 13 Dec. 2013. http://cognoscenti.wbur.org/2013/11/13/michael-robertson-simon-waxman.
© 2013 FlourishAnyway