The Funniest Christmas Jokes
Brian lives with his wife, Valerie, in the beautiful coastal town of Troon. He writes to educate, entertain, inform and amuse.
Here's a large collection of Christmas-themed jokes and gags meant to entertain and amuse.
Christmas Spirit: Laugh or Cringe
Here, for your reading pleasure, are 61 Christmas jokes and 5 Christmas quotes. Laugh or cringe, but please—enjoy. After all, it is Christmas! I did not write these jokes; I just collected them and put them together here for your amusement.
1. What do you call a person who is afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic
2. How do snowmen travel around?
By icicle
3. What do Sheep say at Christmas?
“Happy Wool-tide Bleatings and a Very Merry Christmas to Ewe”
4. Why does Santa Claus have three gardens?
So he can ho-ho-ho
5. Why was Santa’s little helper sad?
Because he had low ELF esteem
6. What do you have in December that you do not have in any other month?
The letter “D”
7. Who delivers a cat’s Christmas presents?
Read More From Holidappy
Santa Paws
8. Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney?
Because it soots him
9. What do snowmen like to do on the weekend?
Chill out
10. Why did the gingerbread man go to the doctor?
He was feeling crummy
Christmas is doing a little something extra for someone.
11. What is the difference between the alphabet and the Christmas alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has no L
12. What do reindeer say before telling a joke?
This one will sleigh you
13. What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A broken drum; it’s something you can never beat it
14. What Christmas carol is a favourite of parents?
Silent Night
15. What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A large puddle
16. I am afraid to inform everyone that Santa is not allowed to go down chimneys this year.
It has been declared unsafe by the Elf and Safety Executive
17. What kind of bug hates Christmas?
A hum-bug
18. What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked in the sky?
Looks like rain dear
19. How do you know when Santa is in the room?
You can sense his presents
20. What do you call a dog who works for Santa?
Santa Paws
"Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn't get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books."
21. What did the sea say to Santa?
Nothing; it just waved
22. What do you call Santa’s little helpers?
Subordinate clauses
23. Where does Santa go when he is sick?
To the elf centre
24. What do you call a frozen elf hanging from the ceiling?
An elf-cicle
25. What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
Hor-naments
26. What do you call Rudolph with a lot of snow in his ears?
Anything you want; he cannot hear you
27. When is a boat just like snow?
When it’s a-drift
28. What song do you sing at a Snowman’s birthday party?
For freeze a jolly good fellow
29. How does Christmas Day always end?
With the letter 'y'
30. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite
31. Where do Santa Claus and the elves keep their money?
In a snow-bank
"Pets, like their owners, tend to expand a little over the Christmas period."
32. How does one snowman greet another snowman?
Ice to meet you
33. What do snowmen wear at Christmas?
Ice caps
34. What do you call Santa when he stops moving?
Santa pause
35. Who says "Oh, Oh, Oh"?
Santa walking backwards
36. Why did the elf put his bed in the fireplace?
Because he wanted to sleep like a log
37. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic
38. What do fish sing in the ocean during the winter?
Christmas Corals
39. The Four Stages of Life…
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus
3. You dress up as Santa Claus
4. YOU LOOK LIKE SANTA CLAUS
40. How did the ornament get addicted to Christmas?
He was hooked on trees for his whole life
41. What do you get when you cross a duck with Santa?
A Christmas QUACKER
42. Why do Mummies like Christmas so much?
They love all the wrapping
43. What do you call a spooky looking reindeer?
A Cari-boo
44. Why don’t Crabs celebrate Christmas?
Because they’re shell-fish
45. Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas party?
He had no-body to go with
"Don't give me books for Christmas. I already have a book."
46. What is a bird’s favourite Christmas story?
The Finch who stole Christmas
47. What do elves do after school?
Their Gnome-work
48. I’ve bought my wife a Fridge for Christmas
Can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it
49. What do you call Santa’s little helpers when they eat outside?
Elf-resco dinning
50. Mum, please, can I have a cat for Christmas?
“You’ll have turkey just like everyone else”
51. What kind of Motorbike does Santa have?
A Holly Davidson
52. Why is the Office party so great?
Because it is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven’t seen for 20 minutes
53. What do you give a train driver for Christmas?
A pair of platform shoes
54. What did one Candle say to the other Candle?
Think I’m going out tonight
55. Where did the Mistletoe go to become rich and famous?
Holly-wood
56. What do ghosts put on their turkey at Christmas?
GRAVE-y
57. What’s the best way to scare a snowman?
Show him your hairdryer.
58. What do you call Santa when he sleeps?
Santa Snores
59. What did the stamp say to the Christmas card?
Stick with me, and we’ll go places
60. What note did a dad leave with the sets of batteries he got for Christmas?
“Toys not included.”
61. What kind of Pizza does Good King Wenceslas order?
Deep pan, crisp and even
Santa Claus has the right idea... visit people once a year.
