Brian lives with his wife, Valerie, in the beautiful coastal town of Troon. He writes to educate, entertain, inform and amuse.
Here, for your reading pleasure, are 61 Christmas jokes and 5 Christmas quotes. Laugh or cringe, but please—enjoy. After all, it is Christmas! I did not write these jokes, I just collected them and put them together here for your amusement.
1. What do you call a person who is afraid of Santa Claus?
2. How do snowmen travel around?
3. What do Sheep say at Christmas?
“Happy Wool-tide Bleatings and a Very Merry Christmas to Ewe”
4. Why does Santa Claus have three gardens?
So he can ho-ho-ho
5. Why was Santa’s little helper sad?
Because he had low ELF esteem
6. What do you have in December that you do not have in any other month?
The letter “D”
7. Who delivers Cats Christmas presents?
8. Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney?
Because it SOOTS him
9. What do snowmen like to do on the weekend?
10. Why did the gingerbread man go to the doctors?
He was feeling crummy
11. What is the difference between the alphabet and the Christmas alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has no L
12. What do reindeer say before telling a joke?
“This one will sleigh you”
13. What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A broken Drum… it’s something you can never beat it
14. What Christmas carol is a favourite of parents?
15. What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A large puddle
16. I am afraid to inform everyone that Santa is not allowed to go down chimneys this year.
It has been declared unsafe by the Elf and Safety Executive
17. What kind of bug hates Christmas?
18. What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked in the sky?
“Looks like rain dear”
19. How do you know when Santa is in the room?
You can sense his presents
20. What do you call a dog who works for Santa?
21. What did the sea say to Santa?
Nothing…It just waved
22. What do you call Santa's little helpers?
23. Where does Santa go when he is sick?
To the Elf Centre
24. What do you call a frozen Elf hanging from the ceiling?
25. What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
26. What do you call Rudolph with a lot of snow in his ears?
Anything you want…he cannot hear you
27. When is a boat just like snow?
When it’s a-drift
28. What song do you sing at a Snowman's birthday party?
For freeze a jolly good fellow
29. How does Christmas Day always end?
With the letter 'Y'
30. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
31. Where do Santa Claus and the elves keep their money?
In a snow-bank
32. How does one snowman greet another snowman?
Ice to meet you
33. What do snowmen wear at Christmas?
34. What do call Santa when he stops moving?
35. Who says "Oh, Oh, Oh"?
Santa walking backwards
36. Why did the Elf put his bed in the fireplace?
Because he wanted to sleep like a log
37. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
38. What do fish sing in the ocean during the winter?
39. The Four Stages of Life…
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus
3. You dress up as Santa Claus
4. YOU LOOK LIKE SANTA CLAUS
40. How did the ornament get addicted to Christmas?
He was hooked on trees for his whole life
41. What do you get when you cross a duck with Santa?
A Christmas QUACKER
42. Why do Mummies like Christmas so much?
They love all the wrapping
43. What do you call a spooky looking reindeer?
44. Why don’t Crabs celebrate Christmas?
Because they’re shell-fish
45. Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas party?
He had no-body to go with
46. What is a bird’s favourite Christmas story?
The Finch who stole Christmas
47. What do Elves do after school?
48. I've bought my wife a Fridge for Christmas
Can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it
49. What do you call Santa's little helpers when they eat outside?
50. Mum, please can I have a Cat for Christmas?
“You’ll have turkey just like everyone else”
51. What kind of Motorbike does Santa have?
A Holly Davidson
52. Why is the Office party so great?
Because it is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven’t seen for 20 minutes
53. What do you give a train driver for Christmas?
A pair of PLATFORM shoes
54. What did one Candle say to the other Candle?
Think I'm going out tonight
55. Where did the Mistletoe go to become rich and famous?
56. What do ghosts put on their turkey at Christmas?
57. What’s the best way to scare a Snowman?
Show him your Hairdryer
58. What do you call Santa when he sleeps?
59. What did the stamp say to the Christmas card?
Stick with me and we’ll go places
60. What note did a dad leave with the sets of Batteries he got them for Christmas?
“Toys not included”
61. What kind of Pizza does Good King Wenceslas order?
Deep pan, crisp and even