Brian lives with his wife, Valerie, in the beautiful coastal town of Troon. He writes to educate, entertain, inform and amuse.

Here, for your reading pleasure, are 61 Christmas jokes and 5 Christmas quotes. Laugh or cringe, but please—enjoy. After all, it is Christmas! I did not write these jokes, I just collected them and put them together here for your amusement.

1. What do you call a person who is afraid of Santa Claus?

Claustrophobic

2. How do snowmen travel around?

By icicle

3. What do Sheep say at Christmas?

“Happy Wool-tide Bleatings and a Very Merry Christmas to Ewe”

4. Why does Santa Claus have three gardens?

So he can ho-ho-ho

5. Why was Santa’s little helper sad?

Because he had low ELF esteem

6. What do you have in December that you do not have in any other month?

The letter “D”

7. Who delivers Cats Christmas presents?

Santa Paws

8. Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney?

Because it SOOTS him

9. What do snowmen like to do on the weekend?

Chill out

10. Why did the gingerbread man go to the doctors?

He was feeling crummy

11. What is the difference between the alphabet and the Christmas alphabet?

The Christmas alphabet has no L

12. What do reindeer say before telling a joke?

“This one will sleigh you”

13. What is the best Christmas present in the world?

A broken Drum… it’s something you can never beat it

14. What Christmas carol is a favourite of parents?

Silent Night

15. What do you call a snowman in the summer?

A large puddle

16. I am afraid to inform everyone that Santa is not allowed to go down chimneys this year.

It has been declared unsafe by the Elf and Safety Executive

17. What kind of bug hates Christmas?

A Hum-bug

18. What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked in the sky?

“Looks like rain dear”

19. How do you know when Santa is in the room?

You can sense his presents

20. What do you call a dog who works for Santa?

Santa Paws

21. What did the sea say to Santa?

Nothing…It just waved

22. What do you call Santa's little helpers?

Subordinate Clauses

23. Where does Santa go when he is sick?

To the Elf Centre

24. What do you call a frozen Elf hanging from the ceiling?

An elf-cicle

25. What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?

Hor-naments

26. What do you call Rudolph with a lot of snow in his ears?

Anything you want…he cannot hear you

27. When is a boat just like snow?

When it’s a-drift

28. What song do you sing at a Snowman's birthday party?

For freeze a jolly good fellow

29. How does Christmas Day always end?

With the letter 'Y'

30. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite

31. Where do Santa Claus and the elves keep their money?

In a snow-bank

32. How does one snowman greet another snowman?

Ice to meet you

33. What do snowmen wear at Christmas?

Ice caps

34. What do call Santa when he stops moving?

Santa Pause

35. Who says "Oh, Oh, Oh"?

Santa walking backwards

36. Why did the Elf put his bed in the fireplace?

Because he wanted to sleep like a log

37. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

Claustrophobic

38. What do fish sing in the ocean during the winter?

Christmas Corals

39. The Four Stages of Life…

1. You believe in Santa Claus

2. You don't believe in Santa Claus

3. You dress up as Santa Claus

4. YOU LOOK LIKE SANTA CLAUS

40. How did the ornament get addicted to Christmas?

He was hooked on trees for his whole life

41. What do you get when you cross a duck with Santa?

A Christmas QUACKER

42. Why do Mummies like Christmas so much?

They love all the wrapping

43. What do you call a spooky looking reindeer?

A Cari-boo

44. Why don’t Crabs celebrate Christmas?

Because they’re shell-fish

45. Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas party?

He had no-body to go with

46. What is a bird’s favourite Christmas story?

The Finch who stole Christmas

47. What do Elves do after school?

Their Gnome-work

48. I've bought my wife a Fridge for Christmas

Can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it

49. What do you call Santa's little helpers when they eat outside?

ELF-resco dinning

50. Mum, please can I have a Cat for Christmas?

“You’ll have turkey just like everyone else”

51. What kind of Motorbike does Santa have?

A Holly Davidson

52. Why is the Office party so great?

Because it is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven’t seen for 20 minutes

53. What do you give a train driver for Christmas?

A pair of PLATFORM shoes

54. What did one Candle say to the other Candle?

Think I'm going out tonight

55. Where did the Mistletoe go to become rich and famous?

HOLLY-wood

56. What do ghosts put on their turkey at Christmas?

GRAVE-y

57. What’s the best way to scare a Snowman?

Show him your Hairdryer

58. What do you call Santa when he sleeps?

Santa Snores

59. What did the stamp say to the Christmas card?

Stick with me and we’ll go places

60. What note did a dad leave with the sets of Batteries he got them for Christmas?

“Toys not included”

61. What kind of Pizza does Good King Wenceslas order?

Deep pan, crisp and even

Suggested Further Reading