Ideas for Bar Mitzvah Jokes and Speeches
Speech writing can be a hugely daunting task, and inspiration may be hard to come by. In this article I have included the speeches given at my own Bar Mitzvah, and I hope that you can adapt some of the jokes and ideas for your own Bar or Bat Mitzvah event. Some of the material here may also work for a wedding or anniversary party, as well. L'chaim!
From the Father
After much anticipation, most of it wonderfully sweet and with no stress at all, the big weekend is finally here: The bar mitzvah of our son. To make this speech all I need to do is stand up, look a little idiotic (not hard when you are me), tell a few jokes and be confident. So here goes.
Firstly I want to thank you all for coming and more particularly for sacrificing the X Factor Results Show. Surely ____ have to go tonight!
Both ____ and I are thrilled for ___. He's truly a most special young man. That sounds funny calling our son a young man, and I know what you are thinking: How can that be possible when his parents are still only 27!
I guess today it's for real; ______ really is a man in the eyes of Jewish law, and I suppose we must now start to treat him like a grown-up. So tomorrow we have a very long list of chores for you to get your teeth into and your share of the housekeeping is 37 percent.
Should you become more involved in making important decisions? Should we increase your pocket money? Should we let you stay up later and go out to all hours at night? Should we let you have longer on your games consoles, computer and on the TV? Well, the carefully considered answer, well researched and fully discussed with teen psychologists, to all these questions is still a categorical and resounding . . . NO!
When it comes to talking about _____'s qualities, where do I start? He’s intelligent. Aged just two, one of my friends asked, "when will you be three?" He replied "after two!" He is generous, hard-working and popular—just like his dad!
My wife, she looks stunning tonight—you might say like a million dollars, and that was just the cost of her dress. I am very lucky to have a wonderful wife and two fantastic children by my side. The fact is, speaking for both of us, ____ keeps us young and he makes us proud for all kinds of wonderful reasons. We love _____ very much, and we're thrilled, absolutely thrilled, to celebrate his Bar Mitzvah . . . and to celebrate it with all of you.
Just before I stop talking, and yes I know that will come as a great relief, ______ and I want you all to have a great time and eat and drink—and if you are driving home later tonight, please remember to take your car!
From a Younger Brother
We don’t always get on—in fact, we never get on—but deep down he is a great bloke and speaking from the heart I would like to be just like him when I become a man.
I have known ___ for over ___ years now. I know all his little habits and how annoying he can be, but he has helped me through some tricky times over the years. He has always been there and supported me, I am sure we will continue to do so for each other.
I have been asked to keep the stories about ______ safe and not to embarrass him too much. As most of you will know, he is always a laugh and loves to live life to the max. He is a great brother and friend to me.
_____, now that you are a man, I think you should share your pocket money with me. Instead of hitting me, just send me to my room like Mum and Dad do all the time. Now that you are a man you will probably start dating women. Make sure they have younger sisters!
Using an Acronym
In this instance, this is a speech for a young man named Ben. By including various anecdotes within this speech, it makes a nice short speech or introduction.
- B is for best friend. Ben is an amazing friend. Kind, caring and funny. He is always there for us and he is someone who you can trust. Ben makes a very good friend and I think everyone here will agree with me in saying that Ben is an amazing person and I know that we are all very privileged to be friends with such an amazing guy.
- E is for enjoyment. There is no dull moment around Ben. He always makes us laugh, whether it be his cheesy jokes or his amusing anecdotes.
- N is for nonstop, as he probably tells jokes in his sleep. Ben is a very energetic person and he plays lots of sports including football, cricket and table tennis.
From a Best Friend
When ___ asked me to be in his best friend speech, at first I was over the moon; firstly that he was going to become a man in the eyes of the Jewish Law, and secondly that he had asked me to be his best friend. Then a few hours later, it dawned on me. I actually had to do a speech.
So as you can see, I got it all off the net. I realised that I would have to stand up and talk in front of his family and closest friends and embarrass him (yay!). I asked him what I should do. Then he replied, “All you have got to do is stand up, look a little idiotic, tell a few jokes and be confident.” Taking this on board, here I am.
I have known ___ for ___ years now. I know all his little habits and how annoying he can become, just a little warning to you all there! But ___ has helped me through some hard times over the duration of our friendship. He has always been there and supported me, something that I am sure we will continue to do for each other.
I have been asked to keep the stories about ____ clean, and to try not to embarrass him too much. But there have been numerous times I have laughed until I cried at ____. As some of you will know, he is always up for a laugh and loves to live life to the max. He is a great friend.
Most of you will know he is great at sport, but he isn’t a very good coach, because still I am not. Ben likes his women, he never aims too low and thinks that even Cheryl Cole fancies him because he certainly thinks he has the X Factor.
Ben really is a great mate and it has been an absolute pleasure being a part of his special weekend.
From the Bar Mitzvah
Welcome to you all and before I start, the hotel manager has advised me to inform you, that for health and safety reasons, none of you should get up and stand on the tables during my standing ovation. Thank you to everyone for coming from near and far, even America. What a schlep, but I hope it will be worth it.
There are two very special people to thank without whom I wouldn’t be here today. No, I don’t mean the taxi driver or the bus driver, but of course the world's best number one mum and dad.
Darling Father and Dad, or should I say “Shrek," I love you but you have been embarrassing me for 13 years, like the time when you rushed me off to Elstree Studio’s to audition for the part of Hannibal Lector in the Silence of the Lambs, so now it’s my turn. Dad, thanks for always giving me the opportunity to solve any of your I.T. and computer issues, and I’m always happy to take the blame when you crash the system.
Now I am a man, I guess that means I need to start taking on some responsibilities. I thought first of all I could wash your car, but as a man I guess that also means you will let me drive it, too. It’s a win-win situation.
Mum… where to start, well you look fantastic tonight and despite all the nagging and constant shouting you have helped mould me into the fine and fantastic young man that you see before you, so thank you.
Now that I am a man I think there are a few things we need to discuss. You need to think outside the box, give me some space and offer me some creative license. I have a list; you might need a pen and paper.
Now that I am a man: Mum, could I stay up beyond 4.30pm and watch things a bit more adult than Tele-Tubbies.
Now that I am a man: Dad, shall we, negotiate a sensible allowance.
Now that I am a man: Mum, could you keep to a sensible distance from the school gates and stop wiping me over with Wet Wipes every time you see me.
Now that I am a man: Dad, shall we, negotiate a reward scheme for all the times I usually do so well!
Now that I am a man: Mum, could you let me have more than 10 minutes on my Nintendo Wii; and Dad, now that I am a man: Could we play something other than poker!
Now that I am a man: Dad, how bout I get to choose a spicy dish from the Chinese takeaway menu—not Chinese Broccoli and Chicken Chow Mein every time.
Now that I am a man: Mum, could I choose some clothes, I know the 1960s were good, but…
Now that I am a man: Dad, I appreciate it takes you an awfully long time to get ready in the bathroom, but could I get a longer slot, now that I am a man?
Now that I am a man: Mum, could I have a say in the weekly menu? I do have certain dietary requirements now that all my baby teeth are gone and I have permanent teeth that work.
Now that I am a man: Dad, could I sit somewhere where I too could see the telly?
Seriously, thank you Mum and Dad, for making this superb party. Mum, I would like to present you with . . . the complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, seriously I mean a small gift.
All that remains for me to say is that I want you all to have a great night and party away.