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100 Funny and Witty Quotations About Age and Getting Older

Quotations can inform and stimulate. They can be wise, witty, or foolish. The author has collected some of the best in his articles.

Here are 100 funny and witty quotations about getting older.

Here are 100 funny and witty quotations about getting older.

Growing Old

Some of the best, wittiest, and most humorous quotations in the English language are quotations about age, childhood, adolescence, middle age, and old age—most of all, about growing old!

On this page, I've gathered together 100 of the best. I hope you like some of them. Where possible, the authors are attributed, and in a few cases, the quotes have been paraphrased.

Sorry I haven't included many serious or poignant ones. But as Groucho Marx said:

"Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough."

10 Quotes About Babies

  1. "Babies are such a nice way to start people." - Don Herrold
  2. "It sometimes happens, even in the best of families, that a baby is born. This is not necessarily cause for alarm. The important thing is to keep your wits about you and borrow some money." - Elinor Goulding Smith
  3. "Labour doesn't end when the baby is born—that's when it begins." - Anonymous
  4. "A baby is a loud noise at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other." - Ronald Knox
  5. "I can't think why mothers love them. All babies do is leak at both ends." - Douglas Feaver
  6. "People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one." - Leo J. Burke
  7. "Having a baby changes the way you view your in-laws. I love it when they come to visit now. They can hold the baby and I can go out." - Matthew Broderick
  8. "Make no mistake about why these babies are here—they are here to replace us." - Jerry Seinfeld
  9. "Families with babies and families without babies, both feel sorry for each other." - Ed How (paraphrased)
  10. "There is only one most beautiful child in the world and every mother has it." - Stephen Leacock
 - Monta Crane

- Monta Crane

20 Quotes About Childhood

  1. "There are two lasting bequests we can give our children. One is roots. The other is wings." - Hodding Carter Jr.
  2. "You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut up." - Anonymous
  3. "Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children. Now, I have six children and no theories." - John Wilmot, Earl of Rochester
  4. "The one thing children wear out faster than shoes is parents." - John J. Plomp
  5. "A characteristic of the normal child is he doesn't act that way very often." - Anonymous
  6. "If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says 'keep away from children.'" - Susan Savannah
  7. "Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective." - P J O'Rourke
  8. "There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, employ someone to do it, or forbid your children from doing it." - Monta Crane
  9. "You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance." - Franklin P. Jones
  10. "Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children." - George Bernard Shaw
  11. "Too often we give children answers to remember rather than problems to solve." - Roger Lewin
  12. "The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." - Anonymous
  13. "Definition of a boy: a noise with dirt on it." - From Not Your Average Dictionary
  14. "The secret of dealing successfully with a child is not to be its parent." - Mel Lazarus
  15. "I am fond of children—except boys." - Lewis Carroll
  16. "Children are a great comfort in your old age. And they help you reach it faster, too." - Lionel Kaufman
  17. "Never have children, only grandchildren." - Gore Vidal
  18. "Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home." - Phyllis Diller
  19. "Children are one-third of our population and all of our future." - From the Select Panel for the Promotion of Child Health, 1981
  20. "If you can give your son or daughter only one gift, let it be enthusiasm." - Bruce Barton

10 Quotes About Teenagers

  1. "Nature gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers." - William Galvin (paraphrased)
  2. "Adolescence is a period of rapid changes. Between the ages of 12 and 17, for example, a parent ages as much as 20 years." - Anonymous
  3. "When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years." - Josh Billings
  4. "I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde
  5. "The young always have the same problem—how to rebel and conform at the same time. They have now solved this by defying their parents and copying one another." - Quentin Crisp
  6. "Teenagers complain there's nothing to do, then stay out all night doing it." - Bob Phillips
  7. "A teenager is always too tired to hold a dishcloth, but never too tired to hold a phone." - Anonymous
  8. "There is nothing wrong with today's teenager that twenty years won't cure." - Anonymous
  9. "A boy becomes an adult three years before his parents think he does, and about two years after he thinks he does." - Lewis B. Hershey
  10. "Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they didn't have anything to do with it." - Haim Ginott

Any Quotes About Young Adults?

Well, here, I would include quotations about young adults if I could find any. Oh, there are quotes about specific aspects of young adulthood—notably love and marriage, which may one day be the subject of another page of quotations—but not much else.

Why not? Is there really nothing at all humorous or witty to say about young adults? Let me know if you have any good quotes.

10 Quotes About Middle Age

  1. "The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left." - Jerry M. Wright
  2. "After 30, your body has a mind of its own." - Anonymous
  3. "Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle." - Bob Hope
  4. "Middle age: When you begin to exchange your emotions for symptoms." - Georges Clemenceau
  5. "Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart." - Caryn Leschen
  6. "Years ago we discovered the exact point, the dead center of middle age. It occurs when you are too young to take up golf and too old to rush to the net." - Franklin Adams
  7. "By the time I have money to burn, my fire will have burnt out." - Anonymous
  8. "Middle age is having a choice between two temptations and choosing the one that'll get you home earlier." - Dan Bennett
  9. "The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you'll grow out of it." - Doris Day
  10. "Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
- Dan Bennett

- Dan Bennett

40 Quotes About Old Age

  1. “Every man desires to live long, but no man desires to be old.” - Jonathan Swift (paraphrased)
  2. “Old age is always fifteen years older than I am.” - Oliver Wendell Holmes
  3. “Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing.” - Oliver Wendell Holmes
  4. “Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you’ve got to start young.” - Theodore Roosevelt
  5. “Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzoni
  6. “There is still no cure for the common birthday.” - John Glenn
  7. “If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.” - Anonymous
  8. “Age is a high price to pay for maturity.” - Tom Stoppard
  9. “Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act.” - Truman Capote
  10. “You’re only as old as you feel.” - Anonymous
  11. “You’re only as old as the girl that you feel.” - Groucho Marx
  12. “Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional” - Chili Davis
  13. “You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.” - Ogden Nash
  14. “We’ve put more effort into helping folks reach old age than into helping them enjoy it.” - Frank Howard Clark
  15. “There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward.” - John Mortimer
  16. “You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred.” - Woody Allen
  17. “It is better to wear out than to rust out.” - Bishop Richard Cumberland
  18. “People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.” - George Burns
  19. “Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.” - Mark Twain
  20. “Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.” - Mark Twain
  21. “Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.” - Anonymous
  22. “I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past.” - Robert Brault
  23. “Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself.” - Tom Wilson
  24. “No man is ever old enough to know better.” - Holbrook Jackson
  25. “I am old enough to see how little I have done in so much time, and how much I have to do in so little.” - Sheila Kaye-Smith
  26. “An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.” - Agatha Christie
  27. “Age does not diminish the extreme disappointment of having a scoop of ice cream fall from the cone.” - Jim Fiebig
  28. “Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips.” - John Wagner
  29. “Don’t let aging get you down. It’s too hard to get back up.” - John Wagner
  30. “I don’t do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast.” - Anonymous
  31. “First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.” - Leo Rosenberg
  32. “As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” - Sir Norman Wisdom
  33. “Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” - Maurice Chevalier
  34. “Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many.” - Anonymous
  35. “Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end, the faster it goes.” - Anonymous
  36. “Those who love deeply never grow old; they may die of old age, but they die young.” - Dorothy Canfield Fisher
  37. “The idea is to die young as late as possible.” - Ashley Montagu
  38. “A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams.” - John Barrymore
  39. “None are so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm.” - Henry David Thoreau
  40. And finally, if you will permit, one of my own quotations: “You know you’re getting old when all the celebrities you once fancied as a teenager start dropping dead.” - Myself

And Definitely Finally . . . 10 Quotes About Death

  1. "Definition of dying: To suddenly stop sinning." - Anonymous
  2. "If you worry, you die. If you don't worry, you also die. So why worry?" - Mike Horn
  3. "If you spend all your time worrying about dying, living isn't going to be much fun." - Anonymous
  4. "Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon." - Susan Ertz
  5. "All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing." - Maurice Maeterlinck
  6. "Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die." - Anonymous
  7. "It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens." - Woody Allen
  8. "I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying." - Woody Allen
  9. "Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened." - Theodor Seuss Geisel
  10. "I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather . . . not screaming and yelling like the passengers on his bus." - Anonymous
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Please feel free to quote limited text from this article on the condition that an active link back to this page is included.

© 2011 Greensleeves Hubs

I'd Love to Hear Your Comments. Thanks!

Maggie on June 07, 2020:

Even the sad ones make you smile

Greensleeves Hubs (author) from Essex, UK on August 09, 2018:

Thank you Tim for your nice comment, and sorry for not replying sooner.

A funny quote is always good, but a funny quote without wisdom is just a joke. Great and perceptive writers including Woody Allen manage to make people think at the same time as they are laughing :)

Tim Truzy from U.S.A. on April 29, 2018:

This is a funny article which kept me laughing all the way through. I love the Woody Allen quotes. All of them have a bit of wisdom within, especially the ones regarding aging and middle age.

I will share these with my friends and I look forward to reading more of your articles.



Greensleeves Hubs (author) from Essex, UK on April 27, 2018:

Kathy; Thanks Kathy! Glad this collection of quotes has served a useful purpose for you, and I hope that the 40th birthday celebrations went well :) Alun

Greensleeves Hubs (author) from Essex, UK on April 27, 2018:

Anusha Jain; So sorry for not responding earlier than this to your comment Anusha. Thanks very much for your good thoughts and kind words. Alun

Kathy on February 15, 2018:

I was looking for a quote for a friend's birthday manual his wife is producing for his 40th. You site came up and I am spoilt for choice. Thank you Alun for putting it together.

Anusha Jain from Delhi, India on November 05, 2017:

You have got an impressively huge collection here. Although they say that age is just a number, we all care about this number. Not just a person faces psychological and biological changes growing old, but the peer expectations also develop an unwanted pressure. I hope this collection which has enough sarcasm and fun will help deal with the negative aspects of growing old so that we are able to fully enjoy this wonder called life.

Great post.

Greensleeves Hubs (author) from Essex, UK on May 03, 2017:

Paula; Thanks for that Paula. Glad you enjoyed it! You're right - we can't alter the process of getting older, so we may as well take it philosophically and laugh! Alun

Suzie from Carson City on May 02, 2017:

Greensleeves....So glad I came across this fabulous compilation of funny/witty quotes! I love this sort of reading! These are all so ingenious and clever~~like the stuff we wish we'd have thought of!

It's a good feeling at my age to be able to still laugh (sincerely) over jabs at getting "older." What the heck, might as well laugh because there really isn't anything else we can do to change the calendar! We must maintain a sense of humor.

I would love to file each of these to memory but why strain my brain when I can carry notes in my purse??

Thanks for the bright spot in my Tuesday evening! Peace, Paula

Greensleeves Hubs (author) from Essex, UK on January 27, 2017:

Ivan Bilash; Thank you Ivan, and apologies for not replying to you sooner. I've checked it out and a lot of sources seem to suggest that particular quote was indeed by Mickey Mantle, but others have suggested it comes from Eubie Blake or even Mae West. As you indicate, this is one of the problems with quotes - they do tend to get repeated and reshaped, and sometimes the originator gets forgotten! Thanks a lot. Appreciated. Alun

Ivan Bilash on November 04, 2016:

The quote "If I had known I was going to live this long, I would have taken better care of myself" was expressed by Mickey Mantle. Don't know if it was original or if someone else had previously said this.

Greensleeves Hubs (author) from Essex, UK on July 26, 2016:

Say Yes To Life; Thank you Yoleen, for those suggestions. Appreciated :)

Yoleen Lucas from Big Island of Hawaii on May 11, 2016:

I love this!

Here are some young adult quotes:

“I guess that's what saying good-bye is always like--like jumping off an edge. The worst part is making the choice to do it. Once you're in the air, there's nothing you can do but let go.”

― Lauren Oliver, Before I Fall

“Girl scouts didn't teach me what to do with emotionally unstable drunk boys.”

― Stephanie Perkins, Anna and the French Kiss

“Friends are the family you choose (~ Nin/Ithilnin, Elven rogue).”

― Jess C. Scott, The Other Side of Life

Greensleeves Hubs (author) from Essex, UK on April 19, 2016:

Yanglish; Thanks Yanglish very much. Alun

swalia; Thanks Shaloo. Appreciate your visit! Alun

Yanglish on April 13, 2016:

Marvelous Quotes. Thank you.

Shaloo Walia from India on December 11, 2015:

I love reading and sharing quotes. This hub is of particular interest to me. Thanks for sharing!

Greensleeves Hubs (author) from Essex, UK on October 27, 2015:

peachpurple; Thanks peachy! That is a good one, primarily because we all know how true it is! Cheers, Alun

peachy from Home Sweet Home on October 25, 2015:

I love this quote the most" You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up - Anonymous"

Greensleeves Hubs (author) from Essex, UK on May 17, 2015:

pramalkumarsamant; Thank you for your comment and thoughts. Alun

pramalkumarsamanta on April 23, 2015:

Thanks for nice collection of quotes. Age is nothing but different shades of life.

Greensleeves Hubs (author) from Essex, UK on February 13, 2015:

aesta1; Thanks Mary! There do seem to be more 'old' quotes. Perhaps it's because long life allows a slightly jaundiced yet witty, philosophical viewpoint on the lives of those who experience it? The young don't necessarily appreciate the absurdities of some of their behaviour. :)

Mary Norton from Ontario, Canada on February 13, 2015:

I had fun reading these quotes. I wonder why there are more for the older folks. Well done.

Greensleeves Hubs (author) from Essex, UK on June 04, 2014:

Engelta; Thank you Engie! I'll certainly bookmark and check out your hub shortly. Cheers for reading and commenting on these quotes :-) Alun

Thanks also to Frederick for your additional quote. Cheers.

Ensorcelie from Albania on June 04, 2014:

hahahaha funny ones!! and so damn true! I, on the other hand, managed to create a collection of 100 inspiring quotes in one of my hubs. I'd love it if you would take a look, as we wrote for the same subject. :)

Thank you for your collection. It was a good one.

Frederick Hansen on April 08, 2014:

" Aging is just a number unless it's eighty six." Frederick Hansen

Greensleeves Hubs (author) from Essex, UK on February 09, 2014:

Kathryn10000; A belated thank you very much for your comment! Alun

Kathryn10000 on October 30, 2013:

I thought you chose well..very good

Greensleeves Hubs (author) from Essex, UK on October 18, 2013:

Thanks iguidenetwork; the ring of truth in quotes like these does make the difference perhaps between a good joke and a great - albeit funny - observation on human life. Cheers for sharing. Appreciated. Alun.

iguidenetwork from Austin, TX on October 18, 2013:

Very nice hub, a great collection of sayings about the cycle of life... funny, witty but all are really true. Up and sharing.

bvhpro on August 01, 2013:

What a wonderful collection - I'll be bookmarking this one! thanks you! :)


Greensleeves Hubs (author) from Essex, UK on September 14, 2012:

Billie Pagliolo;

Many thanks Billie. And thanks for your story. I'm sure one of the very best ways for people to stay young in mind and happy in life is to be able to laugh at their own personal circumstances, including the drawbacks of advancing age! And thanks also for backing up Katy's comment - I think I will have to investigate the world of apps a little further! Alun.

Greensleeves Hubs (author) from Essex, UK on September 14, 2012:


Many thanks for your visit and comment. And for the suggestion! Unfortunately what I know about apps could be written on the back of a very small iphone. But it sounds like a really nice idea. I'll give it a try to see if I prove competent to handle the technology!!

By the way - love your username. Alun.

Billie Pagliolo from Laguna Hills, California on September 14, 2012:

Love it! My 94 year old Aunt Marion was telling me she read a story of a woman in the newspaper who celebrated her 100th birthday. The reporter asked her what she thought about turning 100. "I wouldn't recommend it," was the woman's response. I found it adorable that my Aunt found this funny! BTW...I agree with katywhowaited. This would be a great app- Made one with ibuildapp also called "The Perfect Husband App" - a "cheat sheet" for husbands with words their wives would love to hear. Your quotes would make a great app!

J C Kerrington from Anywhere, USA on September 14, 2012:

Greensleeves, excellent collection. Have you thought of making this an app? I just make an app for Android and will soon upload it for the iphone with The software is a bit restricting, but it's fun to try.

Greensleeves Hubs (author) from Essex, UK on August 05, 2012:

Thank you Starmom! It was fun researching these quotes, some of which are remarkably perceptive as well as funny. Cheers. Alun.

Starmom41 on August 05, 2012:

this is some really great stuff!!!

Greensleeves Hubs (author) from Essex, UK on March 01, 2012:

Thank you ahorseback for your visit! I appreciate your words (and the buttons). I really enjoyed finding the quotes, some of which are so true, but in a very humerous kind of way.

ahorseback on March 01, 2012:

Excellent job Here ! My friend , you did your homework ..........:-} all the buttons for this one

ahorseback on March 01, 2012:

My friend you really did your homework here so I'm Giving you all the buttons!....:- }

Greensleeves Hubs (author) from Essex, UK on March 01, 2012:

Thank you Kris for visiting and commenting. Appreciated. Most of my pages are (moderately) serious, so it was good fun finding the quotes for this one!

Kris Heeter from Indiana on March 01, 2012:

What a wonderful collection - I'll be bookmarking this one! And I agree with @stickydating, I love that they are broken down by category!

Greensleeves Hubs (author) from Essex, UK on October 30, 2011:

Thanks Derdriu for your nice comments. And particularly for listing my own contribution!! I don't think it matches up to some of the 'greats', but without mentioning any names I have noticed how a few of the attractive film and TV stars I once fancied when I was a teenager are now succumbing to age-related illnesses! I guess they would have been in their 20s or their early 30s, at the time. Sadly age happens to us all. Even celebrities.

Derdriu on October 29, 2011:

Greensleeves Hubs: Your hub is such a riotous pleasure to read because it is so attractively organized and because the quotations are hilarious. My favorites are your own original contribution as well as those by Woody Allen, Bob Hope and Jerry Seinfeld.

Thank you for the fun, voted up, and all else too,


Greensleeves Hubs (author) from Essex, UK on September 28, 2011:

Thanks Cogerson! I think I'd definitely agree about Seinfeld's quote, and probably Oscar Wilde's. I really like both the Woody Allen death quotes though I must admit I left the grandfather bus driver quote till last because I thought it was the funniest (though whether it constitutes a genuine quote or just a joke is debateable). Glad you enjoyed the list, and thanks for commenting.

UltimateMovieRankings from Virginia on September 28, 2011:

Nice hub...listed my favorites of each bunch....#8 Seinfeld on babies.....#18 Phyllis Diller on childhood....#4 Oscar Wilde on teenagers.....#2 Anonymous on Middle Age......#22 Robert Brault on old age and #7 Woody Allen on death...I love that quote ...I agree with it 100%. Great collection of quotations...very well done...I had fun going through the 100 quotes.

Greensleeves Hubs (author) from Essex, UK on September 24, 2011:

Thanks stricktlydating for visiting and for commenting. Appreciated!

StrictlyQuotes from Australia on September 24, 2011:

Great collection of quotes, I love how you've broken them into age groups too.

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